Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
From space to automobiles, Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX and owner of X, formerly known as Twitter, readies to conquer his next enterprise: college sports.
The world of college sports has faced a multitude of controversies this past year, being a prominent topic in the news, whether it was due to Title IX lawsuits or the more recent NCAA v. House settlement, which specifically targets the name, image and likeness rights of student-athletes.
And where the news goes, so does Musk.
Although many were certain Musk would have his hands full, as he’s recently launched himself head first into the political sphere, Musk announced in a news conference that he is buying the NIL rights to every student-athlete at Colorado State University, Tuesday, April 1.
“I cannot wait to be a part of the Ramily and further introduce CSU to the future.” -Elon Musk
“There is a latent market here,” Musk said. “Why limit branding to space crafts and automobiles when I can have every one of these athletes repping my name? My only issue is now incorporating X into the name; I’m leaning toward CXU Athletics or CSU AthletiX.”
In an attempt to personalize the transaction even further, Musk announced in a post on X that the entire transaction will be financed through the cryptocurrency Dogecoin, or as Musk calls it in the post, “the currency of the future.”
Despite one-third of dogecoin’s value being lost since President Donald Trump’s inauguration on Jan. 20, Musk is confident this transaction will promote the currency within the economy.
“All anyone is talking about is the price of eggs,” Musk said. “We need to be turning our heads to the future instead of getting lost in the here and now, and that future is dogecoin. Why wouldn’t we be putting our athletes in a situation in which we are setting them up for success? It’s only fitting that we use this cryptocurrency to support the athletes who are our future.”
According to Musk, each sport will represent a different entity of his business expenditures. Football will represent Tesla; men’s basketball to SpaceX; women’s basketball to X; volleyball to The Boring Company; softball to Neuralink; tennis to xAI; track and field to the now-defunct Zip2; and, finally, soccer to the Musk Foundation.
When asked why CSU was the school to target, Musk only had one response.
“I don’t need a reason; do you know who I am?” Musk said.
A representative for Musk later divulged that there was something unspoken about CSU that stood out to him. As CSU is set to join the Pac-12, Musk believes the Rams’ name is about to rapidly catch on within the industry and wants to beat any other businessman to the opportunity.
CSU was the obvious choice when looking for an established school that is set to rise in popularity and has the potential for a Cinderella story.
“While this was certainly an unprecedented move, we’re excited as a university and athletic department to elevate the athletic experience,” Director of Athletics John Weber said. “This move is a testament to our strong athletics and potential.”
Because Musk is considered a third party player, the NIL payments will not contribute to the 22% revenue cap as explained in the NCAA vs. House settlement, and for that reason, any player who makes it into the top 10 rankings for any NCAA category will be gifted a Tesla.
Musk needs a guarantee that the student-athletes will constantly strive to perform their best at all times, as they are now an extension of his brand, and a new car is the best way to incentivize peak performance.
“I only produce the best, and CSU has the potential to be that for me,” Musk said.
Although no athletes have spoken on the matter, CSU President Amy Parsons shared her thoughts in a statement.
“We are at a time when our nation is shifting priorities, but one thing is constant in uniting us: sports,” Parsons said. “As a CSU alumna and longtime employee, I am proud to see the athletic department shifting and empowering our student-athletes. There is a bright future ahead.”
Several of CSU’s top student-athletes are expected to make an appearance at SpaceX’s next launch, no doubt decked out in CSU and Musk gear. By the time the 2025-26 season starts, fans can expect to see not only new apparel but a new version of CSU Athletics.
“I cannot wait to be a part of the Ramily and further introduce CSU to the future,” Musk said. “This is the business deal of the century, and this is just the beginning.”
Reach Sparkling Whimsy at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
