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Two-legged CAM revealed as KGB agent sent to destroy CSU football

Over the last few years, many fans of Colorado State University football have wondered how the team has gone downhill so quickly. But a recent exposé has revealed the reason: an inside agent.

In a report from new head coach Steve Addazio, it was revealed that two-legged CAM the Ram, the surprisingly ripped and delightfully animated mascot for the Rams team, has been working for the KGB since the early 2000s. 

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“We are outraged and heartbroken with the discovery of this news,” Addazio said during a Zoom press conference through loud sobs and handfuls of tissues. “We thought that he was part of the Ramily, but it turns out he has been a double agent this entire time.” 

While internal rumors had circulated about who CAM was truly working for, it took one slip-up for the whole ruse to shatter. During yet another Zoom-hosted practice, CAM, or as he has been revealed to be named Gregor Lenonov, forgot to mute his computer and was recorded having a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin over speakerphone. 

CAM was recorded admitting that after deflating a number of the balls, the team began to make more and more consistent mistakes, a phenomenon he described as the “anti-Tom Brady.”

“This will bring great glory to the motherland, supreme leader,” CAM was recorded saying. “I will continue to bring this team down so they won’t have any chance at challenging our superior Moscow team.” 

Putin was recorded as responding with great praise before the call broke up when his phone slipped out of his hand and was crushed by the horse he was riding. 

After this phone call was released to the general public, the athletics department launched a full investigation to try and discover what other nefarious deeds had been done to try and bring down the Rams. 

“Through our investigation we found that CAM had been the culprit of every serious injury, failed running play and incomplete pass,” said Robert Mueller, who moved on from the investigation into President Donald Trump to join this investigation. “In all my years as an investigator, I have never seen anything so disgusting or evil.”

The release of this information has led to a larger discussion nationwide of which football mascots are working with foreign governments against the betterment of the NCAA. Because of this information, it was found that Chip, the costumed mascot for the University of Colorado Boulder, and Mike the Tiger, the mascot for Louisiana State University, were part of the same KGB mascot unit.

One of the most talked about examples of this is the investigation that the University of Alabama launched into Big Al, which at the moment has not turned up any evidence against the elephant humanoid. When pressed, Nick Saban responded with a loud “Roll Tide” before shotgunning a PBR and backflipping off the stage. 

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After Mueller’s full investigation was released to Rams fans, many publicly decried the mascot they once tackled each other over to get a high five. 

“To think that I, a red-blooded American, gave a hug to that Commie makes me sick,” said Chad Bradington, pausing briefly to light another pile of Patrick O’Brien jerseys on fire. “I just don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore.” 

After fleeing the country, CAM has been pictured alongside many top Russian diplomats and has publicly stated that he will strike college sports again someday. 

Austin Fleskes can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @AustinFleskes07.

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