Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Like, for real, start studying “Back to the Future” right now. These word names are no joke.
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When you’re done reading this list, you will want to tear up your own birth certificate, so be sure to make a few copies and have your friends hide them from you before you proceed.
If you’re not smart enough to build a time machine — oof, couldn’t be me — or too lazy to do all the paperwork required for a name change, just save these for your future children.
1. Heptathlon
A heptathlon is a women’s track and field contest in which each competitor completes the same seven events, which inspired some of the cute nicknames I listed below.
If you are or someday produce a baby girl, this name will bestow upon you or her a legacy of powerful womanhood. If you have a set of girl-and-boy twins, pair Heptathlon with Decathlon, which is the corresponding men’s track and field event. If you’re not a huge fan of the gender binary, I recommend Discus or Marathon.
Potential nicknames: Javelin, Shot Put, Hurdle, Dash, Hepatitis, Thlon, Timothlon Chalamet
2. Tomatometer
Do you want to raise a child with a profound understanding of film? Do you want to promote media literacy in the next generation? Look no further than Tomatometer.
This name is also a great tool for discipline, putting a twist on traditional child shaming tactics — because who gives a crap about gentle parenting? Instead of saying, “(Lame name), let’s use our nice words,” try, “Tomatometer, I’m giving that interaction a 46%. If you get any more rotten, you’re getting a timeout in the dumpster.”
Potential nicknames: Tomato, Tom, Boo, Hiss, Certified Fresh, Tomatothée Chalamet
3. Bulletin
To succeed in the modern world, you need to be organized, communicative and an alpha male. Bulletin captures all of these characteristics.
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Naming your child Bulletin will inspire them to reveal their needs and ambitions in a systematic manner, and because Bulletin has the word “bull” in it and bulls are really good at goring people, no one will tease your kid for being really into their Cricut.
Potential nicknames: Tintin, Corkboard, Stapler, Thumbtack, Red Bull Gives You Wings, Bulletinothée Chalamet
4. Jaundice
Taking inspiration from John and Candace, Jaundice is the ultimate unisex name.
It’s also a medical condition: “Infant jaundice is yellow discoloration of a newborn baby’s skin and eyes,” according to the Mayo Clinic. It’s very common, so chances are this name can be a sweet reminder of your child’s first moments in life.
Potential nicknames: Johnny, Diss, Lemon, Bilirubin, Old Yeller, Timothée “Jaundice” Chalamet
5. 501(c)(3)
For those of us who don’t work for the IRS or a nonprofit, 501(c)(3) is a tax status that makes charitable organizations exempt from taxes.
The name Charity is more traditional but, in my opinion, pretty performative. People who actually care about good causes should be more specific, and you can’t get more specific than 501(c)(3).
Potential nicknames: Nonprofit, 50onesie(3), Habitat for Humanity, PETA, Make-A-Wish, Timo501(c)(3) Chalamet
Reach Slaydah Michael at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
