Editor’s Note: Read the Spanish version of this article here.
Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
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To those who don’t know us — or worse, to those who don’t love us — what do you mean you don’t ski?
Although the prime time for winter activities is nearing its close, especially considering how warm it’s been recently, we at Snowriders thought now would be the perfect time to recruit new members for next season.
As the largest recreational club at Colorado State University — in both members and egos — it is our job at Snowriders to provide a welcoming community for CSU mountain mamas. If you partake in winter activities, come join us on the slopes! If not, hold on to your snow pants: You can still be a sassy snowflake! We need a bus driver.
Here at Snowriders, we recognize that being able to ski or snowboard is a luxury not all can afford — lift ticket prices are no joke on the wallets. With this being said, if you’re one of our lucky bunnies, we ask that you wear gear worth at least double the price of the Epic Pass. Bums aren’t allowed to tarnish our brand.
Breathing mountain air heals all. It’s the truth. Look at us: Some of our chairlift cuties were in therapy before joining Snowriders, and now they spend their weekends rocketing down hills just to feel something! Some say we’re running away from our problems, but we prefer the term “adrenaline junkies.”
Of course, it’s not that we think Snowriders is the best club at CSU — every hobby is perfect for someone. And if being a live laugh lift-lover isn’t perfect for you, we love your confidence in trying something else! It takes a lot of guts to admit when you’re wrong.
Recently, however, misinformation has plagued the name of our giggling goggle gals, and we just can’t have that. Snowriders would like to address a few controversies that have been pissing on our snow.
Last November, some bitch from the Outdoor Club started a rumor that we let our black diamond babies ski with syphilis. This is not true. We at Snowriders stand against sexually transmitted diseases of all kinds.
Also, that grandma who was so unfortunately killed on Copper Mountain a couple weeks ago hit our snowboarder first. Please donate to our GoFundMe for bail, and help our helmeted hottie return home!
These incidents may have put a bad taste in your mouth, but Snowriders promises that joining our club will kiss that look right off your face. There’s a reason we don’t take any ugly members.
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Breathing mountain air heals all. It’s the truth. Look at us: Some of our chairlift cuties were in therapy before joining Snowriders, and now they spend their weekends rocketing down hills just to feel something! Some say we’re running away from our problems, but we prefer the term “adrenaline junkies.”
So the next time you’re feeling stuck in a rut, come be stuck with us instead. And again, even if you’re not a slope sister, we’re still in need of a bus driver. Volunteer basis.
With everlasting, superficial love,
Snowriders
Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
