Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – College is so much more than just attending classes. In addition to their studies, many students work one, two, sometimes three jobs to pay for school and the cost of living. Many students also participate in extracurricular activities that demand significant amounts of their time. On top of all this, time must be found to have a social life, eat and sleep.

It’s time professors recognized this struggle and demand less of their students.

“One time my professor assigned this big essay the weekend that REZZ was at Red Rocks,” said Connor Cousins, a Colorado State University junior. “It was really inconsiderate of him to do that because I missed GRiZ there last year, and I need those good vibes.”

Senior Amanda Halloway shares this frustration regarding things professors have assigned conflicting with personal plans.

“I’ve had to miss dick appointments because of stuff my professors have assigned,” she said. “I’m still pissed about it all.”

Extending the events covered by University excused absences could go a long way to make students feel more accommodated by their professors. While dick appointments may not be something the University is willing to sanction, there are a myriad of other activities students hope the University will give excused absences for.

“Kids in my class have gotten excused absences for big events in their lives like a wedding, but what about the big events in my life?” said Turner Blevins, CSU sophomore. “Us gamers should get excused absences for release dates.”

In addition to video game release dates, there has been almost universal support for University excused absences extending to the release of a series from streaming services like Netflix and Amazon Prime Video among the student body.

Participation awards and trophies are a staple in many youth sports leagues, and they could be easily translated to a university learning level.

Another possible solution to the apathy many professors have shown toward their students’ lives would be a higher weight on participation points.

“When I got to college, it was baffling that we actually got graded on the work we turned in,” junior Cassie McGovern said. “Starting in youth soccer and all throughout school, we would get awarded for participation, not our actual work.”

Participation awards and trophies are a staple in many youth sports leagues, and they could be easily translated to a university learning level. If all classes were to just grade attendance and iClicker points like the College of Business, it would do a lot to quell the massive expectations many professors have for their students. 

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.