Seriously: Never hook up with someone from your dorm floor

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – There are several unwritten rules to college. Never take an 8 a.m. class, never start a paper the night before it’s due, don’t take someone’s unassigned assigned seat in the middle of the semester and don’t sit by a group of Beckys in the library are some that come to mind as unofficial rules to life on campus.

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However, there is one unwritten rule that, above all, is the most important for succeeding in college. Never — under any circumstances — in any way, shape or form, hook up with someone on your dorm floor.

Having sex with someone who lives on the same dorm floor, commonly known as “floorcest,” is college sin number one. There is literally nothing good, besides a few minutes of pleasure, that can come out of doing the nasty with someone who lives on the same floor.

Maybe she caught your eye when she was hanging her single strand of white Christmas lights in her room, or maybe you just think she’s super cute. Whatever the reason, don’t even think about it.

I ended up having a class with the girl I hooked up with on my floor, and we were paired together for a group project. We never did it because interacting was just too awkward, even if it was for class. I almost failed that class.”-Tyler Calloway, CSU student

Maybe you can see beyond that ginormous heap of dirty clothes on his floor that just keeps growing and that weird smell in his room that doesn’t have a source. Still, steer clear.

Maybe you think they could be your future spouse. News flash — they most certainly aren’t. Seeing each other every day and living in such close proximity will only make it more and more awkward — and you know someone on the floor made another group chat just to gossip about you two.

“I made this mistake my freshman year in Corbett,” sophomore Stacy Wilson said. “I had to rearrange my eating schedule and when I did laundry just to avoid bumping into him.”

Junior Tyler Calloway shares a similar sentiment.

“I ended up having a class with the girl I hooked up with on my floor, and we were paired together for a group project,” Calloway said. “We never did it because interacting was just too awkward, even if it was for class. I almost failed that class.”

Although few colleges are publicly against “floorcest,” Colorado State University is taking strides to combat the issue. University President Joyce McConnell is taking every precaution possible to make students feel safe in their dorms.

“’Floorcest’ has been an issue here at CSU for many years and has been a touchy subject to talk about for just as long,” McConnell said to the media earlier this week. “But it’s long past time that we have these conversations.”

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McConnell also said that she is working closely with the Associated Students of CSU to enact an anti-floorcest bill that would make the act punishable by the University. The Collegian will update you as this story develops.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.