Seriously: Colin Kaepernick to star in Captain America reboot

Arisson Stanfield

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Marvel Studios announced that production of “Avengers: Infinity War Part 2” has been put on hold to begin shooting “Captain America 4: The True Civil War.” The film will mark a change in casting for the multi-million dollar franchise as actor Chris Evans will be replaced in the role of Captain America by athlete and activist Colin Kaepernick.

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“It’s time the role was given to a true patriot,” Marvel executive Isaiah Bradley said. “Everybody knows there’s nothing more American than a proud Black man fighting for his freedom.” 

The film will be directed by Spike Lee and is set in Civil War-era America. It will follow the story of former slave Christopher Evans as he volunteers for the Northern Army’s experimental super-soldier program. Imbued with superhuman strength and a thirst for justice, the newly empowered Captain America travels to the South to take on Jefferson Davis and his legion of Confederate soldiers, backed by a powerful being known only as Yakub. 

The film’s announcement has been met with outcry by Marvel fans. There are even reports that sales of “Captain America” comics have increased 1,863 percent as fans have begun purchasing the comic for the sake of burning it.

The goals of this anti-boycott are unclear as the method of protest has, as of yet, only increased the company’s revenue.

Fans have reacted with more than just arson as many have claimed they now fear for their safety.

“Every year they just take more and more from us,” Fort Collins resident Duke Davis said. “I mean just imagine if White people asked for a ‘White Panther’ movie or asked for some strong-jawed Nordic god to join the Avengers! There would be hell to pay!”

Some claim that Marvel’s choice in casting is inherently divisive, saying it detracts from the purpose of the franchise.

“Movies are meant to be an escape,” said Wilson Fisk, a senior business major at Colorado State University. “I mean, I hate police brutality as much as the next guy but…do we have to…you know…talk about it?” 

Reactions to the announcement makes it clear that there is nothing more American than the racial question. Even now the country seems to be asking itself where, when and who is allowed to be Black. 

Marvel polling data reveals that 40 percent of readers reported feeling that a Black Captain America “seemed less American.”

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When asked why she felt Kaepernick was not fit for the role, Marvel fan Becky Burke said, “I mean its just not fair cause we were here first. Being a nerd is being part of a culture and you can’t just take our culture and treat it like a costume that anyone can just put on or take off.”

As more and more White fans claim they are now the targets of unfair oppression, some have even gone so far as to begin seeking asylum from North Korea and Russia as paranoid worries of an impending “war on white men” continue to mount.

When asked to speak on why disillusioned Americans were being denied entry, President Vladmir Putin said, “I mean its just a movie. What’s the big deal? Do Americans really think this Kaepernick man is the cause of their worries?” 

Collegian opinion columnist Arisson Stanfield can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @OddestOdyssey.