Seriously: Syron-Sullivan campaign member hospitalized

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins – Victory celebrations for Tristan Syron and Kevin Sullivan’s election as president and vice president of ASCSU quickly turned from excitement to concern as one of the members of their campaign team was hospitalized after drinking expired milk. In celebration, the pair, as well as members of their campaign team, chugged milk as if they had just won the Indy 500. Unfortunately, the sweet taste of victory turned sour for one of the members of the campaign team. 

Ad

A man makes an ugly face while drinking milk.
Realization as to the sourness of the milk hits the now hospitalized member of the Syron-Sullivan campaign team. (Davis Bonner | Collegian) (Edits by Ethan Vassar)

“We think one of our milks with a late April expiration date may have been switched out for one which expired in March,” said a Syron-Sullivan spokesperson. 

Foul play is certainly an option and campus police are looking into it.

“It is frightening to think that someone could take student government so seriously they’d attempt to poison someone,” said campus policeman Paul Blart,” But we’re looking into it.” 

Accusations flew back at the Syron-Sullivan campaign following the allegations of foul play. 

“50 million Americans are lactose intolerant,” says the spokesperson of another campaign. “This guy may be one of them and was peer pressured into drinking the milk. Or he’s doing it for the press.”

Another campaign fired shots at the Syron-Sullivan campaign as well. A spokesperson said, “This was karma. The Syron-Sullivan campaign ostracized thousands of lactose intolerant CSU students by drinking that milk. Do we really want such intolerant people in office?”

Thankfully, the unfortunate member of the campaign is expected to make a full recovery. We at The Collegian will be sure to keep you up to date on the situation. 

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.