Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Following President Donald Trump’s decision to once again bar The Associated Press from daily press briefings in the White House, The Rocky Mountain Collegina has been chosen to fill the void.

The decision was announced via Trump’s Truth Social account late March 28 and was later confirmed by Meme God Elon Musk and White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. No communication took place between The Collegina and the White House prior to the announcement.

“THE AGE OF FAKE NEWS IS NOW OFFICIALLY OVER,” the post reads. “The APee did nothing except persecute American patriots, and thanks to me, their reign of ‘fact-based’ terror is over. The golden age of America continues today with the help of The Collegina, and we need young voices more than ever in the face of such flagrant misinformation. They did something very naughty in 2007 but Daddy Donald is forgiving.”

Journalists, administrators, lawyers, Secret Service agents, Ram truck drivers, obnoxious political science majors and students lost on their way to the Ramskeller Pub & Grub soon flooded the Rocky Mountain Student Media offices, looking to catch a glimpse of the journalists now elevated to national prestige, frantically apartment shopping in Washington D.C. and accepting press passes to Air Force One.

The mob would storm the newsroom to see staff members in-between their classes, on the week’s crossword puzzle, the tables littered with various ADHD medications, incoherent scribbles, Panda Express fortune cookies and open — but dormant — laptops. Nonsense Senators Autism Memory and Ham Slutton were too busy on Instagram Reels to see the White House announcement, leaving the entire editorial staff completely surprised by the sudden intrusion into their enclosure.

“Does this mean we can’t go to the ‘Skeller on Fridays anymore?” Death Editor Catholic Abortion said as the group soon enveloped the newsroom. “I need my inhaler.”

According to sources present, Headache in Chief Allie Seibel and Master Instigator Hanky Panky, along with Memory and Slutton were selected to make the move to Washington D.C. The four quickly retreated into an adjoining staff office with RMSM Corporation CEO Pete Waack, legal adviser David Wolfgang and other pro staff members, followed by various screams and sounds resembling hyperventilation. Trump then reportedly spoke privately to the editorial staff by phone from Mar-a-Lago while waiting for a Secret Service agent to retrieve his ball from the rough.

Though the details of the 45-minute conversation remain unknown, former Trump Attorney Michael Cohen took to X to speculate that Trump bullied the editorial team into submission, likely promising Panky and Slutton high-level administrative positions and insider trading avenues in exchange for highly favorable coverage of the administration. Cohen also guessed Stressed and Memory will direct all future Collegina coverage of White House proceedings and be promoted to Press Secretary. The speculation was later confirmed by Trump via Truth Social.

“I’m just so confused,” Stressed  said. “We all know the caliber of The Collegina, but it’s incredibly confusing to learn that Trump has chosen us to institute biased reporting in the White House. You can count on our coverage changing quite a bit in the coming days, I guess.”

Citing Federal Aviation Administration workforce cuts, the White House elected to land Air Force Two at the nearby World War II-era Christman Airfield. Secret Service agents quickly ushered the editorial staff to the tarmac to be greeted by Vice President JD Vance, after which an impromptu press conference was organized.

“My boss knows the difference between good and bad journalism,” Vance said. “I trust The Collegina will represent the administration well and help get these AI face edits under control. Maybe these kids know how to say thank you.”

CSU Student Body President Nick DeSalvo was also present to comment; though, onlookers noted he looked slightly more human when compared to footage of more recent public appearances.

“The Collegina has a great track record of biased journalism, and I applaud President Trump for using this publication in ways I never could,” DeSalvo said. “I know these Rams will make a difference in Washington.”

Following the announcement from the White House, the Colorado State University Marketing and Communications’ team reapproached Rocky Mountain Student Media about acquiring The Collegina under the CSU umbrella.

“We’re really excited about the editorial staff being promoted to the national stage,” a statement from CSU reads. “We’ve never been more excited to er-explore the relationship between CSU and student media with this new opportunity.”

The Collegina will take place in their first press briefing April 1.