Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Beelzebub Christensen doesn’t follow God anymore — he claims his new Bible is Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.”
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Christensen’s job as a campus preacher came to an abrupt end last Tuesday. After 15 years of recruiting Colorado State University students who exclusively wear suits and lost high schoolers on tours to join the Fort Collins Evangelist Church, Christensen had a different religious awakening.
“I was in the middle of acting possessed by the spirit of Christ — driveling spit, convulsing, you know — to trick these nonbelievers,” Christensen said. “But then I had a real heart attack. They didn’t call for help — no, they just laughed. They thought I was faking that, too, rolling their eyes as I lost consciousness. When I woke up in the hospital, the nurse asked me, ‘What do you do for a living?’ And I had to tell her that I jerk around like a limp noodle, like the spirit of Christ is touching all up on me, to promote some dusty book written forever ago. That’s when I knew: My life is bullshit.”
Christensen then decided to leave religion behind, trading prayer verses for rap ones.
“Call me Mr. Bethlehem now,” Christensen said. “That’s my rapper name. I’ve decided that I can’t ignore this past part of my life — it follows me everywhere I go. After all, my name is the Devil, / my verses so freakish, / my flow ain’t gentle, / but it makes the ladies geekish.”
Even after leaving his local church, Christensen refused to return his Communion chalice and preacher’s robes, saying he needed them for his most recent music video.
“I put a baby in the robes, holding the chalice, then autotuned its goo’s and ga’s and used them as ad-libs,” Christensen said. “The track title? ‘Nativity Scene.’ You can’t tell me that’s not fire.”
The church didn’t condone Christensen taking these items, however, and told him that refusing to return the chalice and robes would be committing sacrilege.
“They committed sacrilege themselves the minute they hired a man named Beelzebub to preach about the goodness of God,” Christensen said when asked about the church’s statement. “Besides, I’ve committed much worse sacrilege than taking some souvenirs. A couple of months ago, one student offered me a hit of a Blue Razz Puff Bar. That was the first time I actually saw God.”
In his career as a campus preacher, Christensen never fully managed to recruit a student to his church.
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“He gave me 20 bucks to join once,” CSU sophomore Chappel Bells said. “I took the money and bought him a pack of cigarettes instead. Man, that guy needs to chill out.”
Once he saw a picture of Christensen’s rapper outfit, though, Bells audibly gasped.
“Oh, my God,” Bells said, pointing at Christensen’s chain of a 24-karat upside-down cross. “He’s the guy who made ‘Nativity Scene!’”
Reach Ezekiel SoundCloud at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
