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Campus surveillance geese laid off amid COVID-19 outbreak

With the COVID-19 pandemic shutting down businesses and costing people jobs, Colorado State University saw its own spree of layoffs in the form of a well-established surveillance program.

Due to the lack of students to analyze and spy on, campus surveillance geese have been told not to return to work for the foreseeable future. 

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“We deeply apologize for this inconvenience, and we know that this may fly in the face of what we have set out to do with this program,” wrote Richard Gaggle, the director of the geese surveillance program (GSP), in an email to employees. “We hope all of you lovely birds understand that this pandemic was a sort of honk that woke us up and we need to protect the assets of the University.”

The GSP has existed on campus since the late 1960s, during the height of the Cold War when the United States government was terrified of Russia and other communist nations stealing important information from U.S. institutions. According to University documents, President Richard Nixon came up with the original idea for the GSP and University presidents William Morgan and Adrian Chamberlain quickly adapted it to the University.

“You may notice that we have seen a large influx of geese on campus, but we want to let you all know that this is all terribly normal and most definitely not the United States trying to make sure that our secret asbestos formula doesn’t get out,” Chamberlain is quoted as saying during a speech in August of 1969. “Also, none of you have been to Russia recently, have you?” 

From there the program quickly flourished and expanded beyond the worries of the domino effect and fears of communism.

Through the years, the geese in the program have seen a leap in technical upgrades. When first enacted, the program was using full camera and microphone equipment, hindering the ability for successful flight and leading to many student injuries due to equipment falling off of program participants. However, with the advent of smaller and smaller recording devices, the current program has allowed for the GSP to use microchip microphones and drone technology.

“I mean, it was really a flight of fancy in the beginning, but now we are equipping these loud monstrosities with the latest in recording technology,” said Andrea Goslings, director of innovation for GSP. “They thought I was a quack when I equipped them with military-grade drone technology, but I think this way we can keep a much tighter grasp on CSU secrets.”

Goslings added that they plan to upgrade the geese with cloaking technology so they can enter dorms and classrooms to continue surveillance. 

While these layoffs came as a shock to some members of campus, many rejoiced at the thought of not having to be constantly surveyed by the government.

“I have been fighting the good fight for 30 years and everyone thought I was crazy but now they know I was right, they know we are being watched,” said self-proclaimed expert and former InfoWars intern Jason Saneman. “Now my next task is to get everyone to see the truth about those squirrels and what they have done to our political system.” 

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When asked for comment, many of the campus surveillance geese merely honked and chased Wake Up Slap reporters trying to bite them. 

Austin Fleskes can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @AustinFleskes07

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