The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
February 28, 2024

With the development of the online shopping market, SEO has become a crucial factor in driving targeted traffic and increasing sales. Effective...

Tony Frank tormented by poltergeist

Note: This article is satirical.

Responding to complaints on his recent and sudden disappearance, Colorado State University President Tony Frank stated in a press conference last Tuesday that he had been hiding from the poltergeist he believes is living in his house.

Ad

“And I’m not talking about the emotional ghosts of all my spurned lovers, either,” said Frank, alluding to a torrid romantic history that, though often mentioned in press conferences, has never once been verified. “These are the real deal.”

Frank confirmed that most nights he stays up until the wee hours of morning, holding a baseball bat menacingly and using a Lite-Brite — with a half-filled puppy pattern — to see better.

“The puppy makes me feel safe,” Frank stated.

“He’s tried everything,” said Frank’s wife, Fran. “Reverse-seances, exorcisms. He even hired the Fort Collins Ghostbusters, who turned out just to be three small children with a broken vacuum cleaner. They didn’t stop the ghosts, but darn it if our living room isn’t slightly messier.”

When asked why he continued to call in the FoCo GoBos, Frank said that he appreciated their entrepreneurial spirit.

“I like to support small business,” said Frank, handing a five dollar bill to a toddler wearing a three-piece suit. “They just don’t come around no more, what with all the spirits.”

“We are afraid of those ghosts,” confirmed a representative of the FoCo GoBos.

The ghosts have reportedly been influencing Frank to raise tuition, tear down campus buildings and even steal bikes.

“I tried to go against them once, but then we wound up with a new football stadium in the works,” Frank said.

Ad

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook. We also do weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, exorcisms, slow motion stand up comedy routines, amateur miming and professional juggle-boarding.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Hey, thanks for visiting Collegian.com!
We’d like to ask you to please disable your ad blocker when looking at our site — advertising revenue directly supports our student journalists and allows us to bring you more content like this.

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *