Dave’s Marketplace: Dakotas split up after 125 years married

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical.

Early Saturday morning, a celebrity split-up that you may not have anticipated happened in the northern part of the country.

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The well-known power couple based their split on “irreconcilable differences” that could not be mended through counseling. The rumors are true: North Dakota and South Dakota have officially split up.

The Dakotas have shared a last name since 1889, when they held a small wedding ceremony at their borders. It was a beautiful reception rivaled only by that of North and South Carolina’s butterfly releasing ceremony in 1729. Nobody saw the split coming, which has been the toughest pill to swallow, and people are beginning to ask why.

Speculation has arisen that South Dakota’s inferiority complex is what the split was really about. Over the years the, South Dakota has repeatedly expressed its desire to be north of something, but nobody actually thought that this would come to fruition. In a bold move so soon after the split, however, the state formerly known as South Dakota will be changing its name to North Nebraska.

Of course, citizens of the states have differing opinions on the separation. Leroy Pinny, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup farmer and South Dakota resident sees the split as a long time coming.

“Those North Dakotans have no business sharing our last name,” Pinny said. “They were always taking credit for Mount Rushmore and… and… you know, all the other good stuff South Dakota – ahem – North Nebraska has to offer.”

The Dakotas’ only child, Dakota Fanning, will be put in foster care until she can find another acting job.

The split has effected so many people and will continue to baffle even the most hardened celebrity gossipers, but it’s done and over and all we can do is move on. After all, there’s been talk of a split between Virginia and West Virginia in the next few months. …

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com