Seriously: Drunk white guy at party suddenly becomes rap expert, confesses hope for future career

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

At 11:41 p.m. last Thursday night, Eric Johnson, a white 22-year-old business major, found himself suddenly becoming a rap expert.

“I saw the change, it became quite apparent that he was different than all the other guys,” Marissa Smith, an eyewitness, said. “He seemed to be a normal dude, but all of the sudden he started bumping Kendrick, Hoodie Allen and J.Cole. It was so dope.”


According to witnesses, it was around 11:30 p.m. that Johnson asked for the auxiliary cord at the house party he was attending. He then proceeded to play “classics” for the rest of the night.

His choice in music ranged from modern artists like A$AP Rocky, to older groups like Wu-Tang Clan. Although Wu-Tang had gotten together a year before Johnson was born, Johnson confessed the black power group had profoundly influenced his childhood in a suburb of Denver. Johnson then proceeded to declare that nothing had been the same since “They” killed Tupac, who had died when Johnson was 3-years-old. Johson was never able to identify just who “They” was.

Closer to midnight, it became quite apparent that Johnson had a SoundCloud account.

“I just, don’t like listen to all that bullsh*t on the radio, you know, just like Earl Sssweatsssshirt, Common, and ya know People Under the stars, I mean Stairs,” an inebriated Johnson said. “Listen to this, isn’t it good? Are you really listening to the lyrics? It’s so good. No one gets it like I do.”

The party seemed unperturbed by the racial undertone of Kanye West’s song “New Slaves.”

“I guess I just have really great taste in music,” Johnson said.

It was at about 1 a.m. that Johnson revealed to the party he’s been working on his freestyle career for the last several months. Consequently, the party members had to endure at least half an hour of Johnson “spitting” horrible armature rhymes. After nervously checking around him, Johnson even boldly used the “N-word” in a freestyle.

Johnson later clarified with a girl he was flirting with that he could say the “N-word” because he has a black friend who said he could.

Aforementioned black friend was not in attendance.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Talesnik can be reached online at