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April Fools’: Niko Medved creates basketball players in lab under Moby Arena

The+main+entrance+of+Moby+Arena+from+Plum+Street+March+12.
Collegian | Caden Proulx
The main entrance of Moby Arena from Plum Street March 12.

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It’s no secret coach Niko Medved is a mad scientist on the court. 

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But what has been a long-kept secret in the Colorado State men’s basketball program has now finally come to light. 

Super secret sources have revealed that Medved is actually bringing basketball to life in Fort Collins — not in a fun way but in a Victor Frankenstein way. 

After all, that is the only possible explanation for the recent success CSU men’s basketball has had.

While Medved has evaded getting caught for his six years as the coach of CSU, anonymous sources have confirmed that Rashaan Mbemba is his latest creation, and it’s clear that David Roddy was on his mind during the procedure.

The 6-foot-7-inch forward supposedly from Vienna just appeared one day. While nothing could be confirmed until now, the source has made it clear he came from a lab. 

“Deep under Moby Arena lies an underground facility where Medved has been creating next-level athletes to turn CSU basketball into a premier program,” sources told The Collegina

Medved seems to be taking “being in the lab” to another level. 

The Collegina tried to reach out to the team but were told it was a preposterous idea that Medved could create players in a lab.

A groundskeeper acted confused when asked about the underground facility, which confirms the entirety of CSU Athletics is in on it. 

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The similarity in looks between Mbemba and Roddy is undeniable, and it’s certainly only a matter of time until Mbemba elevates to the All-American level of play Roddy showcased.

Beatrice Karazy, an expert on the undead, said that despite CSU’s denial, this is likely the only explanation.

“A lot of people have called me crazy — I’ve even been institutionalized a time or two — but what you’re saying makes total sense to me,” Karazy said. “The undead walk among us every day, and I’m glad someone is finally covering this story. I can almost guarantee that CSU is creating their players.”

While unconventional, this begs the question: Is it illegal?

Refinald Paint, a representative of the NCAA rules committee, said it’s not. 

“What a stupid question,” Paint said. “I guess, in theory, it would be illegal, but you can’t possibly believe that’s happening, can you?”

To answer his question: Yes.

With the suspicions of Medved’s actions confirmed through multiple sources, The Collegina reached out to two of the schools he had coached at prior to CSU: Furman and Drake.

While both schools refused to comment on the matter, citing it was a waste of their times and resources — likely confirming Medved has been doing this throughout his entire coaching tenure — The Collegina was able to interview one of Medved’s former players, who agreed to talk if he was able to remain anonymous.

“Nah, nah, nah, that is totally something that is happening,” the player told The Collegina. “You’re writing a story about this? Yeah, no, you definitely should publish it. One hundred percent totally happening.”

As the future of CSU men’s basketball hangs in the balance, one thing is for certain: Medved’s magic comes from so much more than just the team’s on-court performance.

Reach Blarrell Dair at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.

Interested in more sports content? Sign up for Ram Report here for weekly CSU sports updates!

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About the Contributor
Caden Proulx, Print Director
Caden Proulx is a human development and family studies student at Colorado State University pursuing his passion for graphic design at The Collegian. Originally from Austin, Texas, Caden's journalistic journey began in the high school yearbook department, where his passion for design grew. This led to him to seek out student media when he got to Colorado State University. Starting as a page designer in his first year, Caden found a home at The Collegian. This led him to the position of print director his sophomore year. Despite majoring in HDFS, Caden seamlessly integrates his hobby of graphic design with his academic pursuits. The Collegian has become an integral part of his success at CSU. Now firmly rooted in Colorado, Caden is eager to contribute to the student media landscape, The Collegian and its success. He loves working alongside other excited students who are talented and have a lot to teach and push him to continue to grow as a visual journalist.

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