Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
It’s no secret coach Niko Medved is a mad scientist on the court.
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But what has been a long-kept secret in the Colorado State men’s basketball program has now finally come to light.
Super secret sources have revealed that Medved is actually bringing basketball to life in Fort Collins — not in a fun way but in a Victor Frankenstein way.
After all, that is the only possible explanation for the recent success CSU men’s basketball has had.
While Medved has evaded getting caught for his six years as the coach of CSU, anonymous sources have confirmed that Rashaan Mbemba is his latest creation, and it’s clear that David Roddy was on his mind during the procedure.
The 6-foot-7-inch forward supposedly from Vienna just appeared one day. While nothing could be confirmed until now, the source has made it clear he came from a lab.
“Deep under Moby Arena lies an underground facility where Medved has been creating next-level athletes to turn CSU basketball into a premier program,” sources told The Collegina.
Medved seems to be taking “being in the lab” to another level.
The Collegina tried to reach out to the team but were told it was a preposterous idea that Medved could create players in a lab.
A groundskeeper acted confused when asked about the underground facility, which confirms the entirety of CSU Athletics is in on it.
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The similarity in looks between Mbemba and Roddy is undeniable, and it’s certainly only a matter of time until Mbemba elevates to the All-American level of play Roddy showcased.
Beatrice Karazy, an expert on the undead, said that despite CSU’s denial, this is likely the only explanation.
“A lot of people have called me crazy — I’ve even been institutionalized a time or two — but what you’re saying makes total sense to me,” Karazy said. “The undead walk among us every day, and I’m glad someone is finally covering this story. I can almost guarantee that CSU is creating their players.”
While unconventional, this begs the question: Is it illegal?
Refinald Paint, a representative of the NCAA rules committee, said it’s not.
“What a stupid question,” Paint said. “I guess, in theory, it would be illegal, but you can’t possibly believe that’s happening, can you?”
To answer his question: Yes.
With the suspicions of Medved’s actions confirmed through multiple sources, The Collegina reached out to two of the schools he had coached at prior to CSU: Furman and Drake.
While both schools refused to comment on the matter, citing it was a waste of their times and resources — likely confirming Medved has been doing this throughout his entire coaching tenure — The Collegina was able to interview one of Medved’s former players, who agreed to talk if he was able to remain anonymous.
“Nah, nah, nah, that is totally something that is happening,” the player told The Collegina. “You’re writing a story about this? Yeah, no, you definitely should publish it. One hundred percent totally happening.”
As the future of CSU men’s basketball hangs in the balance, one thing is for certain: Medved’s magic comes from so much more than just the team’s on-court performance.
Reach Blarrell Dair at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
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