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I’m not a devout astrology believer nor am I an astrology disbeliever. Rather than explaining my own actions — and everyone else’s — with the positioning of the stars, I follow an astrology of my own: the position of your birth order.

There are, in my opinion, four main types of people in this world: oldest siblings, middle siblings, youngest siblings and only children. While there are many subcategories, such as gender-specific rankings — e.g., oldest sister, youngest brother — or more specific in-betweens — e.g., second-oldest sibling — I’m simplifying these categories for the sake of clarity.

I think that your birth order says more about your personality, leadership, communication, worldview and even love language than astrology ever can. It accounts for the nuanced family dynamic that you grew up in, which plays a big role in shaping who you are as an adult.

So here is my ultra-specific, incredibly niche analysis of what your birth order says about you.

Oldest sibling

As the oldest, you tend to be extremely critical of yourself, having unrealistic standards. Though you claim to be extremely self-aware, your inner control freak is only fueled by the assumption that you know everything about everything — even yourself.

You care deeply about many people you don’t know because you’ve been taught to care deeply for your whole life. You let every pedestrian cross at the crosswalk, even when they stop to let you drive. Caffeine doesn’t settle well with you, but you’ve been reliant on it for so long that it’s basically an addiction. Your favorite color is purple, blue or red.

Middle sibling

As the middle sibling, you’re either an incredibly loud talker or you barely talk above a whisper. You often say impulsive things that you don’t actually mean. You might’ve been parented in a different way than your older sibling, in that you were expected to hold your own and be the “easy” child. You’re more pragmatic and independent than given credit for.

You went through a slight shoplifting — sorry, borrowing — phase in middle school. You’re great at sharing from necessity rather than compassion. You needed braces but never got them, or you opted for Invisalign that still, to this day, never worked. Your favorite color is orange, pink or green.

Youngest sibling

As the youngest sibling, you hate working under tight deadlines because you can’t stand when your accomplishments are benchmarked. You dislike being compared to people but secretly compare yourself to others all the time. You’re either extremely reckless or frugal with your money, but either way, you’ve been working from a young age.

You don’t celebrate many milestones or firsts because yours were never celebrated growing up. Your reactions to disputes or problems, while valid, are seen as overdramatic. You don’t floss your teeth as much as you should. You clean your room daily but never make your bed because you feel like it’s a waste of energy. Your favorite color is yellow, blue or orange. 

Only child

As an only child, people have been calling you mature since a young age, which really pisses you off. You weren’t mature because you wanted to be but because you had to be. Everyone always assumes you have a great imagination, but you were bored 90% of the time.

You either grew up with cousins, grandparents or family friends who acted as honorary siblings, all of whom you felt jealous of. Your childhood home is cluttered with past hobbies, most of which you gave up after a weeklong hyperfixation. You claim that you don’t snore, but you definitely do, and you can fall asleep in under two minutes. Your favorite color is green, red or pink.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.