Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It is advised that students stay away from the Colorado State University campus for the foreseeable future. Safety has been compromised by a serious threat. Anyone who tries to come to campus could be in imminent danger. Please remain indoors until the threat has been dealt with by the local authorities.

Squirrels have taken over campus. They abandoned the trees and took the main campus as their new home. They commandeered student bikes for faster transportation, seemingly having chewed through the bike locks. They are completely covering the roads and sidewalks leading into campus, preventing vehicles and pedestrians alike from entering. Campus Wi-Fi has also been compromised, but that happens every day regardless of squirrel takeovers.

To make matters worse, Amy Parsons was kidnapped by the rogue animals and is being held for ransom. While her current location is unknown, the squirrels have guaranteed she is safe. However, we will not see her return until their list of demands has been met.

We have spoken with the squirrel who seems to be leading the invasion. Doreen Green, who learned squirrel talk from watching Kronk in “The Emperor’s New Groove,” translated the list of demands for us.

“They are demanding offerings of peanut butter,” Green said. “They are appalled by the lack of peanut butter on campus.” 

While it is unclear just how many jars of peanut butter it will take to satisfy the squirrels, it has been confirmed that the peanut butter must be crunchy. Any jars of creamy peanut butter delivered to the squirrels may upset them further. Campus authorities have contacted the local King Soopers and Target stores to collect all of their jars of peanut butter. However, with the squirrel blockade on the road, authorities are unsure of how to deliver the peanut butter.

“It’s a very sensitive situation,” CSU Police Department Chief Nancy Whitehead said. “We’re not sure what the right move is. We’ve never seen the squirrels like this before.”

In addition to offerings of peanut butter, the squirrels have also demanded that CSU get rid of all cashews on the premises. While campus authorities are working on the peanut butter situation, Housing & Dining Services is working to rid the campus of cashews. The squirrels are adamant that no cashews are to be left anywhere on campus. 

“They get stuck in their teeth,” Green said. “They don’t like it. It’s very annoying. So no more cashews.”

Negotiations surrounding their third demand — that the mascot of CSU be changed from CAM the Ram to SAM the Squirrel — will take place Nov. 13. CSU administration is hoping to retain some dignity by keeping CSU the home of the Rams, but the squirrels are very insistent upon the change. It seems to be a power move to affirm their takeover.

Until matters are resolved, faculty and students are advised to stay as far from campus as possible. The squirrels pose a serious threat, and safety cannot be ensured. Make sure doors and windows are shut and that all jars of peanut butter are handed over to the proper authorities. 

Stay vigilant, and avoid the squirrels. 

Reach Hana Pavelko at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @hanasolo13.