Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

If you spot flowing white locks and a trenchcoat around town, it’s not your philosophy professor — it’s just James Madison.

This past election day, unsuspecting Fort Collins locals reported several packs of wig-wearing, stocking-clad individuals at various voting sites across the city. They were later identified as the Founding Fathers. Figures included George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, John Adams and several iterations of Benjamin Franklin with slightly different facial hair.

One John Jay was seen shoving pieces of parchment into the Fort Collins senior center ballot box. When reported and approached by local police, Jay exclaimed the documents were the Federalist Papers and that their resurgence would fix America.

“Don’t you know who I am?” Jay said. “I am trying to help you. They write books about me, you know. My buddy’s got a Broadway musical.”

Sources report that after being taken into custody, Jay reached for the cop’s gun holster and proclaimed that he “gave them those motherfucking rights.” It took six police to pry the gun from Jay’s hands, but not before he shot a hole in the station ceiling.

Jay used his singular phone call on Hamilton, reportedly located at the Drake Center voting booths. Hamilton arrived to bail Jay out, but he had no money and instead promised a rendition of “Hurricane” from the musical “Hamilton” in return for Jay’s release. After two performances, Larimer County police still did not oblige.

Adams arrived at the station that evening as the second Founding Father to finance Jay’s bail. He wore a plastic eagle duct-taped to each shoulder and played Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” from his iPhone 15. He had to turn sideways to fit through the doorway. 

“I may be from the 18th century, but you would be surprised,” Adams said. “Last month, Washington threw a fat rager. ‘Twas mad hype.”

However, when asked if he was a Founding Father for Halloween, Adams ripped one of the eagles from his coat and hurdled it at a group of locals, killing one and injuring three. He was taken into custody with Jay shortly after and now awaits trial.

“‘You have the right to remain silent,’ they told me,” Adams said. “Like, duh. Who do you think wrote that? You’re a fangirl. I’m the real thing.”

Despite the deaths and injuries Adams caused, the other Founding Fathers stood in solidarity with him and Jay.

“It’s a mockery of democracy, honestly,” Hamilton said when asked about the altercation. “The hypocrisy: taking bodily autonomy from prodigies who responsibly built this political economy.”

Sources report that then multiple Franklins arrived next, each holding a printed copy of the Bill of Rights with “LET OUR BROTHERS GO” scrawled at the bottom in red crayon. They called it the 10.5th Amendment.

“These antifederalists think that they can boss us around,” one Franklin said. “As if they have more superiority. They’ve got our names in their mouths, calling us fathers, carving our heads on the sides of national parks. Where’s your Washington Monument, huh? Where’s your Jefferson Memorial?”

Washington was the last Founding Father to enter the station — in handcuffs. According to ballot counters at the Laurel Library, Washington arrived that morning with a bucket of tar and a bag of feathers, threatening to tar and feather anyone registered with a political party.

“As if tar and feathering is a cruel and unusual punishment,” Washington said once in custody. “There is no punishment more cruel and more unusual than refusing to wear a wig when you’re bald. Do you not have those here?”

It’s safe to say voting was extra democratic this year.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.