Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Well, folks, it’s that time of year. The mountains are constantly dumping snow, the temperatures are remaining brisk and, as a result, nearly every resort is now officially open to snowboarders and skiers for the 2022-23 season. Let us rejoice in the good news! 

For most Colorado locals, this is a sacred time of year full of possibilities on the slopes. Maybe it’s a new trick in the terrain park or a new run at a favorite resort begging to be shredded, but nothing but positive thoughts should be streaming through hopeful minds — well, besides the obvious fact that the out-of-staters are also aware the slopes are now open.

For years, out-of-state snow sports enthusiasts have tainted the beauty of this pastime and gotten away with it. Now is the time to teach you, out-of-state students, how to avoid taboos on the slopes.

1. Be smart on the drive up

For starters, the drive up to the mountains for a day of fun in the snow is no walk in the park, especially when some sophomore from Colorado State University is attempting to maneuver up Interstate 70 in their 2004 champagne-colored Honda Civic with a cracked windshield. Although plausible, it’s very risky.

They are more than likely sporting a Texas license plate, blatantly proving they’ve never seen snow before, but what’s scarier is the fact they somehow always make it to the slopes without a scratch on their car. Please, for the safety of the community, plan ahead.

“From causing pile-ups on the highway to risking the well-being of others on the slopes with rented skis a foot too long, now is the time for all nonlocals to take a step back and reassess your next visit to the mountains. Avoid these taboos, and enjoy the snow carefully.”

2. Don’t park like a psychopath

Everyone’s been there. About four or five runs deep on the day, our stomachs begin rumbling with hunger, so we decide to go grab a sandwich and beverage packed in the car. We make it back to our vehicle safely only to find some jerk parked too close to the trunk and we can’t open it. Not to mention the culprit’s car is probably sporting a southern license plate.

Even worse, they won’t be back to their car for hours because they have never been to a resort before, let alone snowboarded, and insisted on beginning at the complete top of the mountain. So we can kiss that serene lunch break goodbye. Don’t be that guy. 

3. Be mindful of space on the slopes

Don’t run anyone over or cut anyone off on the slopes. Most insulting, it’s not just regular Colorado locals that deal with the out-of-state clowns, it’s also some fairly commendable names in the community who do not have time to sacrifice a day in the mountains for some clueless ne’er-do-wells. 

“I am sick and tired of these lowlife kids not from here effing up my weekends with their tomfoolery,” snowboard enthusiast and beloved CSU mascot CAM the Ram said. “I’m a damn busy guy and don’t have time to deal with newbies cutting me off and clogging up lines with their lack of talent and manners.” 

It is clear that out-of-staters have ruined one too many days on the slopes for locals. From causing pile-ups on the highway to risking the well-being of others on the slopes with rented skis a foot too long, now is the time for all nonlocals to take a step back and reassess your next visit to the mountains. Avoid these taboos, and enjoy the snow carefully.

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.