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Seriously: Local incel calls for white history month in January

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – 2020 is already almost one-twelfth over, and February is rapidly approaching. February is Black History Month, a celebration of African American culture and heritage, as well as a reminder of the past that serves to educate youths.

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The very existence of a month of history dedicated to one particular ethnicity suggests that there are others, and yet there are none. The question “When is white history month?” is always raised during this time of year but almost always facetiously. However, for the few that don’t find this question rhetorical, January is perfect for a white history month.

The idea of dedicating the first month of the year to white history originated from a local Fort Collins man — Hunter Bedford.

“February is one of the toughest months for white incels like me,” Bedford explained. “Not only are we reminded that there’s no white history month, but we have to deal with all the Valentine’s Day sh*t, despite not having a girlfriend when we deserve one.”

The idea to make January dedicated to white history is a big hit around white nationalist, bigoted and incel communities. The idea has become so popular that many communities around the nation are putting together their own festivities. Obviously, celebrations differ from place to place, but Natural Light and unseasoned foods have been present in all celebrations thus far.

Some might argue that the other 11 months of the year are White history months, considering the way we’re taught history.”

Although a concrete plan for what a white history month would consist of and celebrate isn’t clear, Bedford has a rough idea.

“I guess Black History Month is all about celebrating the accomplishments of Black people and stuff that wasn’t taught in school, so white history month should be the same,” he said.

After all, with how dominant white people have been in the world, there are a myriad of accomplishments that can be celebrated. Spain’s conquest and decimation of the many Native populations that used to call South America home is an obvious choice. One can’t forget the film “Birth of a Nation,” which resurrected the Ku Klux Klan, either. The possibilities are endless.

As far as things not taught in school, Ronald Reagan’s racist call to Richard Nixon could be worth mentioning. Or we could talk about how white people are mainly to blame for air pollution. Past president Lyndon B. Johnson’s obsession with his penis is another instance of white history that should not be left out of the history books. All these and more are parts of history no white person should forget.

Some might argue that the other 11 months of the year are white history months, considering the way we’re taught history. However, Bedford claims there is still much to learn, as seen above. 

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A white history month is still very much up in the air, and President Donald Trump has yet to comment on the matter. We at The Collegian will keep you updated.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.  

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