Seriously: U+2+A Homeless Guy ordinance to be implemented

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FORT COLLINS — Mayor Wade Troxell released his plan to solve the growing homeless problem in the City of Fort Collins. “It’s simple really; we take homeless people and put them in the empty rooms students have,” Troxell said at a press conference yesterday. “This solves the housing crisis and the homeless issue all at once.”

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When asked about the solution, City Manager Darrell Jenkins said, “The solution has been right in front of us all the time. The damn students have been complaining about U+2 forever. Now we can fill the rooms with U+2+A Homeless Guy.”

In recent years, as the city has continued to grow, so has its homelessness issue. This has been at the center of many problems for the City. Protests occurred when the City passed legislation preventing people from sleeping on benches, a move seemingly directed to deter homeless people. Currently, residents are in uproar over 24-hour lockers for homeless people, a case which has made its way to the courts.

“U+2 has long been an issue for many residents, especially students. To get a long-term perspective, we reached out to CSU Chancellor Tony Frank, who only said, ‘this is why I left.'”

President of Colorado State University Joyce McConnell commented on the proposed plan. “I wish I had come up with it myself,” McConnell said. “We really need to help students integrate with the community and become part of the solution — this will achieve that goal.”

When asked for comment, President of Associated Students of CSU Ben Amundson failed to reply to the email. His vice president responded, “What’s U+2?”

City Councilmember Kristin Stephens was not in support of the proposal. “I still think four people in a four bedroom house is too many,” Stephens said. But when confronted by the fact that the majority of violators of U+2 aren’t students, the mayor came up with an easy fix. “We can easily write this law so it only applies to students,” Stephens said. “We wouldn’t want voters living with homeless people.”

In a co-authored statement, the district attorney and CSU Office of the General Council noted that if local government has the policing power to tell residents how many people can live in their private property, they have the right to tell residents who they must live with. “Take it to court if you want, but you won’t win,” the statement said.

U+2 has long been an issue for many residents, especially students. To get a long-term perspective, we reached out to CSU Chancellor Tony Frank, who only said, “This is why I left.”

Many students, especially those in the Warner College of Natural Sciences, have taken to the idea. “I don’t see the big deal; I’ve been living with a homeless person for years now,” said a senior student who wished not to be named. “People need to catch up.”

Not all students agree on this issue, however. “If I wanted to be homeless, or live with the homeless, I’d get a liberal arts degree,” said Mike Selemoh, CSU business major.

Faculty have given out many mixed signals about the proposed ordinance. “This will not fix the yield curve,” commented finance professor Frank Smith. “It’s inverted. We are doomed. There will be new homeless people soon. Demand won’t match supply, and we’ll need to create a U+1 law to accommodate the effects of the yield curve.”

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“This new policy will clearly have an impact on housing prices — we aren’t sure how yet,” said one real estate professor. “Ultimately, we don’t have a bench mark yet, so it’s anyone’s guess now.”

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