Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – The Colorado State University football team has been going through an identity crisis this season. A winnable game against Toledo that resulted in a loss has many fans wondering what direction the team is going. With Collin Hill sidelined and an already poor record, many are wondering what the team’s identity is going to be.
Now four games into the season, CSU Coach Mike Bobo reveals his plan for the program: a dedication to mediocrity.
The team has shown flashes of competitiveness, mainly on the offensive side of the ball, but they can not seem to remain consistent throughout four quarters.
“Most of the students who come to the game leave at halftime, then don’t show up for the next two quarters,” Bobo said. “It’s almost like my players do the same. I wish they had that same lack of enthusiasm for all four quarters.”
If any player was an exception to this, it would be quarterback Hill. Prior to tearing his ACL for the third time against Arkansas, Hill had a passer rating of 159.1: the second best among Mountain West quarterbacks with 20 or more passing attempts. Additionally, Hill had a four to one touchdown to interception ratio on the year.
I am trying to prepare these guys for the pros. A lot of our guys might try out with the Broncos after graduating, so I want to give them a leg up on the competition.”-CSU football Coach Mike Bobo
“Hill’s plays are super impressive, and I would be ecstatic if I wasn’t trying to maintain a mediocre football program here,” Bobo said. “Part of me was happy when he went down with that ACL. If he kept that up, it would have threatened my vision for CSU football.”
Replacing Hill is Patrick O’Brien, whose talent is much more in line with Bobo’s middling plan for the team.
“That’s more like it,” Bobo said to the media after his squad’s fourth quarter collapse against Toledo.
While the offense is only now getting on the same page as Bobo, the Ram defense has been stout in their mediocrity all season. The abysmal tackling present in the fourth quarter against Arkansas is a prime example of Bobo’s lackluster vision for the team.
Many college football experts have said watching CSU’s defense try and fail to tackle number 85 on Arkansas was like watching hand sanitizer trying to kill the last .1% of germs. Bobo takes this as high praise.
With Hill out and the defense acting like they’re playing touch football, it looks like the Ram football team may have finally found its identity in mediocrity. Bobo’s inspiration for this vision? Denver Broncos football.
“I am trying to prepare these guys for the pros,” Bobo said. “A lot of our guys might try out with the Broncos after graduating, so I want to give them a leg up on the competition.”
With Rams football emulating Broncos football, Colorado football fans will have a bunch of .500 seasons to look forward to.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.
