Seriously: Thief steals student’s identity, donates out of pity

Abby Vander

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS — This Wednesday, Colorado State University student Agatha Clark reported an unusual identity theft to the Fort Collins Police Department.


Clark first noticed something was awry when she checked her Wells Fargo bank account and the balance was above $4.20.

Instead of stealing money, it appeared the thief had donated to Clark’s account after seeing that as an out-of-state CSU student, she clearly needed some financial help.

Between spending thousands of dollars on tuition, books and student loans, Clark had as much money to offer as she had enthusiasm for the brand new windowless classrooms in the Canvas football stadium that her tuition paid for.

Like many students, Clark was struggling to afford basic necessities such as Smirnoff Ice and an HBO subscription.

Clark would like to thank her unknown donor for helping her in a way that CSU’s Office of Financial Aid never has. 

“Last semester I got arrested for participating in the Undie Run,” Clark said. “But really I was just passing through in an old T-shirt that had started to disintegrate. Now I can afford clothes and maybe even go to a Cubs game like Tony Frank.”

Other students have taken inspiration from Clark’s story. It seems to have restored faith in the community that many students lost during this year’s Associated Students of Colorado State University elections.

“Like many students, Clark was struggling to afford basic necessities such as Smirnoff Ice and an HBO subscription.”

“It’s a true honor to spend five years in a community as supportive as ours in Fort Collins,” remarked junior biology major Jack Mendoza.

“I used to spend hours filling out scholarship applications, but now I’m thinking it might be more effective to throw my credit card on the ground and see what happens.”

Clark reflected on the chances that she would cross paths with this particular identity thief. 


“If I had any money at all, this could have gone very differently,” she said over the crunch of her lunch consisting of Doritos. “I’m very lucky — and my fake ID still works.”

Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at or Twitter at @abbym_vg.