Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

As Tony Frank begins the process of leaving his current role as Colorado State University’s president, his final email to campus has certainly cemented his legacy.

Already known for his long emails sent to students and faculty throughout the year for various reasons, Frank set a precedent with his final email to campus: a 1,000-page manifesto detailing his life, his presidency and his aspirations for the future.

“I knew that my standard email of about seven lengthy paragraphs just wasn’t enough for my last one,” Frank said. “I knew that if I really wanted to make a name for myself in the eyes of the Colorado State community, I had to do something above and beyond. And by god, I think I have done just that.”

Frank said that work on the manifesto began in late 2018 when he announced he would be stepping down as CSU’s president. He added that he spent more than a few late nights perfecting his work.

When asked about why he decided to send it in an email to campus, Frank said it would be “against his brand” to do anything less.

“I connect with the campus most effectively through these emails,” Frank said. “So if I were to do anything else besides email it, it would be completely against everything I have built thus far.”

However, when emails hit the inboxes of students and faculty the general consensus was a lack of interest. 

“I mean, I usually skim these emails, but this one I skimmed even harder,” said sophomore health and exercise science major Angela Garrickson. “It is certainly a power move but I don’t think anyone really cares.”

Garrickson is not the only that shares this lack of interest. Derek Henderson, a senior studying English, said that he had no idea that Frank even sent an email, as most of Frank’s emails are sent to his spam box.

Frustrated with the sheer lack of community interest, a disheveled and visibly frustrated Frank took to the plaza to hand out laminated copies of the manifesto in hopes that the campus community would want to pick up one of the three-pound copies. 

“My only question is how much did he pay to print that?” asked Emily Warner, freshman civil engineering major. “I avoid single-page flyers like the plague on the Plaza, so you know there is no way in hell I am picking up a brick of text like that.”

After being ignored for several hours, Frank said that his next move is to nail the manifesto to the door of all buildings on campus to try and spread his message.

“I just want people to read all my hard work,” Frank said. “So if I have to be this University’s Martin Luther to get people’s attention, then I will.” 

Austin Fleskes can be reached at opinion@collegian.com or on Twitter @Austinfleskes07.