Seriously: Burnett’s Vodka voted official liquor of CSU dorms

Marshall Dunham

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In a surprising series of events, Burnett’s Vodka has been voted the official liquor of Colorado State University’s dorm rooms, narrowly beating Fireball whiskey and Listerine mouthwash.

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Burnett’s, nicknamed “Burnasty’s” for many CSU students, placed first in the vote held by the Society of Underage Drinkers, or SUDs for short.

“It wasn’t an easy win,” said freshman health and exercise science major and Burnasty’s advocate Emilee Browning. “But with more than 20 flavors that all resemble a Mr. Sketch Scented Markers variety pack, how could it not come out on top?”

Browning went on to explain that she was a huge fan of how the vodka’s bottle was made of plastic, so that she wouldn’t get glass in her hands when she fell down.

When attempting to view the Burnett’s website, one is met with the message, “Whoa there, baby face. We’re going to need to see some ID.” A fitting message, it seems, for a liquor whose primary consumers are ages 14-20.

The website lists all of Burnett’s classic flavors such as cherry, peach and ice tea, but one Burnett’s employee explained that some new flavors are in the works.

“We’re currently working on some new, revamped flavor ideas, including Personal Space Invasion Raspberry, Blackout Blueberry and Loud Talker Lemon,” explained Burnett’s employee Jay Goulding. “But let us not forget that, regardless of artificial flavoring, all Burnett’s flavors share the same taste, which is the taste of shame and terrible decisions.”

Browning later explained that she was “like, soooo drunk,” and that she “couldn’t even.”  

“Let us not forget that, regardless of artificial flavoring, all Burnett’s flavors share the same taste, which is the taste of shame and terrible decisions.”

“My dad had always told me to drink in moderation and end the night with a nice buzz,” Browning said. “But that’s not how we do it in the dorms. We usually just slam eight or 10 shots, get absolutely shit brick-housed, and see where the night takes us.”

When asked if she had plans to cut back on her destructive binge-drinking, Browning slurred something along the lines of “Oh my God, yasssss,” before stating that she actually planned to live forever.

Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham

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