Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – For his last semester before winter break as Colorado State University president, Tony Frank should really go all out. Before stepping down as the president of CSU, Frank should do something that will cement his legacy as well as quell some of the criticisms of his tenure in office. That something is dressing up as the icon of Christmas himself, Santa Claus.
The many ballrooms in the LSC offer the perfect setting for what should amount to be a classic mall Santa experience. Students would line up to chat with Santa and would have the opportunity to purchase photographs with jolly old saint Frank on their way out. This would be an additional source of revenue for a university that has no shame in taking every penny from their students.
“Exploiting students like this for financial gain, erm, uh, I mean spreading holiday cheer like this would be great to boost campus morale during finals,” said one University fatcat.
During their visit with Santa Frank, students could tell him what they believe needs to change, or requires more attention at CSU. Most children get to tell Santa what they want for Christmas, but it has been noted that Frank is very aloof when it comes to student concerns.
“The renovation of all of Clark really would be a Christmas miracle,” voiced one student.
Another student agreed with this sentiment.
“If sitting on Tony Frank’s lap means I won’t have to be exposing myself to asbestos every Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday then I’m making Tony Frank’s lap my new home.”
A sleigh-full of student concerns and observations about campus could literally be dropped in Frank’s lap. These can either begin to be taken care of next semester or passed to the University’s next president.
Normally, mall Santas are accompanied by a team of reindeer to really sell the North Pole experience. To save money, squirrels will have to do instead.
An event like this would not only generate more school spirit and revenue for the University, but it would make for great PR and could enshrine Tony Frank into the hearts and minds of students, present and future.
Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
