The life of a legislator is awesome

Taylor Tougaw

I woke up this morning stretching my arms to the ceiling. The sun was streaming through the window of my million-dollar home. My alarm clock read 9:45. I should have been at work two hours ago, but there’s really no need. Last week at work, we all showed up in our suits and ties, ready to get a head start on the day, only to be faced with a new reality: there is no more work to be done. No, really, you wouldn’t believe me! Last week, when I showed up to the office, my assistant told me there were no more bills to write. I looked at her incredulously, but it was true.

I came into the office planning on passing a few things, such as putting a federal hiring freeze in place, defunding Planned Parenthood and mandating passage of the Dakota Access Pipeline, as well as banning all Muslims from the country. I get paid to do these things. But now, I get paid to do nothing!

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After walking in to work, I found Elizabeth Warren sipping a pina colada out of Harry Reid’s belly button. Paul Ryan had his tie wrapped around his forehead while doing a keg stand at the speakers podium. Cory Gardner had Michael Bennet in a headlock, and Dianne Feinstein was going headfirst down a whip cream slip ‘n slide.

With Donald Trump issuing all these executives orders, life as a U.S. Congressman has been absolutely sweet! Normally, we’d have to do all these things like ‘deliberate,’ and ‘compromise to pass bills.’ But now, he’s doing our job for us, and we’re still getting paid!

The life of a legislator sure is awesome right now.

This column is satire. Sort of.