Editor’s Note: The views expressed in the following column are those of the writer only and do not necessarily represent the views of the Collegian or its editorial board.

America’s new Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, has set new standards for students on how to speak publicly all around the United States.

“We’re making a lot of changes to America’s education system,” states DeVos. “Being able to speak in front of a crowd is an important thing that a lot of people don’t know how to do correctly. This way, there will be universal standards for everyone to follow.”

Here at the Collegian, I thought I should educate you on these new standards and requirements:

First, don’t be nervous. Memorizing a speech is no longer a requirement. It isn’t even recommended that you practice, since the speech will be printed right in front of you. All you need to remember is to make big hand gestures so the audience knows your hands are truly as big as you say they are.

A good way to get your audience to think you’re smart is to use big words, so make sure to use the word “tremendous” at least once every 90 seconds. This way, your audience knows the importance of whatever it is you’re talking about. It is also advised to use the words “absolutely” and “incredible,” because they will help emphasize important points.

We know that when researching your topic, it can be hard to find information that will support your argument. When this happens, make up the statistics and facts that you need, so the argument will seem more compelling. This way no one can disagree with what you’re saying because the facts will fit your argument perfectly.

When asked about grammar, DeVos became very serious. “Oh, no, grammar is going away completely,” DeVos stated. “Grammar was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. We don’t need it any more.”

If you’re ever afraid to claim something that people might call you out on, use “we” instead of “I.” For example, “we won by a record breaking amount,” sounds better than “I won by a record breaking amount.” You don’t actually have to explain who the “we” is, but it seems like you have a least one other person who is agreeing with you which makes your claim seem more legitimate.

If your speech is argumentative, the most efficient way to prove the opposition wrong is to call them fake, out of control or a mess. It’s an easy and quick way to persuade your audience, and it’s impossible to disagree with.

Just like papers, having a high word count is very important for speeches. It’s suggested to use double modifiers, such as “very, very” and “really, really” when describing something big or important. We also recommend saying “not popular” instead of “unpopular,” or “not good” instead of “bad.” Most importantly, constantly repeat yourself when you want to indicate something crucial to your speech.

“Also, remember to refer to yourself in the third person every once in a while,” said DeVos. “Statistics show it makes you seem bigger and more informed with what you’re talking about, because you’re citing yourself as a source.”

Speaking of sources, those aren’t needed anymore. Any bibliographies you’ve created can be shredded or thrown away. Studies show that no one actually looks at the bibliography, and since you are now creating a lot of your information, they aren’t necessary.

Finally, if there’s a question and answer after your speech, don’t fret. If you don’t know the answer to a question, start talking about something you do know. This will redirect the person who asked the question, and you will sound smarter talking about something you’re knowledgeable about. You can also cut them off while they are asking a question. That way you won’t even have to answer it in the first place.

Please note that this column is satirical. Bigly.