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New Year’s Day moved to March 1 per world’s decision

dark sky with red firework
Fireworks for New Year’s Eve. (Colin Shepherd | The Unprecedented Times)

To commemorate the start of the global pacifier, world leaders have officially announced that New Year’s Day will now be celebrated March 1.

“In order to celebrate the renewal of the world and our emergence from the global parabola, we have decided to make March the first month of the year,” Secretary-General of the United Nations António Guterres said. 

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First implemented domestically in the United States, the rest of the world has followed suit. 

“We figured it would make sense for New Year’s to be in March because our entire lives now revolve around the COVID-19 Pac-Man,” United States President Joe Biden said. “We want to celebrate the end of the year of COVID-19, and we’re really crossing our fingers that ‘year’ stays singular.” 

Not all world leaders were as enthusiastic about the change. 

“COVID-19 kind of hit us first in, like, December, so our outbreak started way earlier,” President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping said. 

Other members of the UN half-heartedly agreed.

“The Americans are clearly on edge from a year of quarantine, and Guatemala would prefer to avoid another CIA coup,” said Carlos Raúl Morales, minister of foreign affairs for Guatemala. “We’ll move New Year’s. Whatever.”

The ambassadors for Chile, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Indonesia all nodded their heads solemnly in agreement with Raúl Morales. When prompted for comment about the move, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern asked, “Global palazzo? What palazzo?”

“What the Jahannam?” said Ali Khamenei, supreme leader of Iran, in a rare interview with The Unprecedented Times. “The Iranian calendar usually starts in March anyway.”

Many countries have used the Gregorian calendar as a civil calendar, named after Pope Gregory XIII. The Gregorian calendar starts in January, but Pope Francis said he can find a way to justify the change theologically. 

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“March is near Easter, right?” Francis said. “Easter kind of celebrates rebirth. Let’s go with that.” 

Protests over the change erupted in several cities, including Fort Collins. 

“I don’t think it should be moved, mostly because I want to forget this year entirely,” Colorado State University student Rammish Green said. “I never want a reminder. Never.”

Green’s position contrasts with that of fellow protester Garth Raygun.

“COVID-19 is a false flag,” Raygun said. “The Bible says New Year’s is in January. They want to move New Year’s to March? March 1 is the first day of the third month. If you spell that in numbers, it says 13. Whose name has 13 letters? Bill Gates. Do your research, free your mind.” 

Various experts have pointed out that this means that leap years will actually end with the additional day tacked on as New Year’s Eve.

“That makes more sense, actually,” professor Frederick Jolston of CSU’s College of Calendarology said. “I like that much more aesthetically — with Leap Day coinciding with New Year’s Eve every four years. Cool.”

President Joyce McConnell is expected to email the CSU community with a detailed update about the situation.

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The Unprecedented Times reporter Ai-DONE Knaus can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @knuasaidan.

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