Financial Aid Office is actually, shockingly helpful for once

Natalie Weiland

graphic illustration of a sloth at a desk for the financial aid office with clocks on the wall
(Graphic illustration by Elliot Stemen | The Collegian)

Colorado State University’s Office of Financial Aid has finally made itself useful when it comes to aiding a student with their tuition woes. 

Last weekend, fourth-year biology student March McGee checked his RAMweb account to find an outstanding charge of $420 listed on his semester bill with “no explanation at all.” 

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“It’s ridiculous, but I can’t say it hasn’t happened to me before,” McGee said in an interview with The Unprecedented Times. “Stuff like this pops up on my bill all the time and financial aid never responds to my emails.” 

McGee described being fed up with the Office of Financial Aid in years past with similar issues. 

“Prior to this, I had just paid the extra fees because I was never able to get a timely response from Financial Aid,” he said. 

This time, however, McGee said he felt as though it was worth reaching out. Instead of the usual radio silence, there was actually a timely response, he said. 

“It was insane,” McGee said. “They literally emailed me back the next day and their response was actually helpful. Usually it takes at least two weeks, so I’m still in shock.” 

Carey Mittenguard, a third-year English major, experienced a similar incident the week of March 1. 

“It was so weird; I called about an issue with my semester payment not going through and actually got to talk to a live person on the phone,” Mittenguard said. “Usually when I call, I sit on hold for like an hour and never get to talk to anyone.” 

These abrupt changes with the Office of Financial Aid’s behavior and accessibility to students have appeared seemingly without warning, as the usual wait time for a response can be anywhere from one week to well after a student’s 60th birthday. 

When asked for comment, a source from the Office of Financial Aid, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the changes as being the result of a lengthy mediation session and subsequent game of Twister among office staff.

“We had to cleanse the office of bad vibes, you know?” the source told The Unprecedented Times. When questioned about the game of Twister, the source explained, “That was just for fun. We like Twister just as much as the next group of pals.” 

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When questioned about the Office’s previous lack of consistency when it comes to helping students, the source explained that it had been “in a funk” following the series finale of “Game of Thrones.” 

“That one hit us hard,” the source said. “It took weeks before anyone could answer the phone or look at their email. It was just so disappointing that it ended up translating into our work.” 

In the future, the Office of Financial Aid hopes to improve their response time in order to actually help the students that pay so much in tuition and student fees. 

“Yeah, we’re gonna fix it,” the source said. “You should manage your expectations. If we were helpful, you wouldn’t be getting the true college experience, now would you?” 

Editor’s NoteThis is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The Unprecedented Times reporter Natalie Whyyyyyyyland can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @natgweiland.