With the surge of food and alcohol delivery options cropping up to encourage social distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic, meth dealers have launched a new app, Uber Tweaks, to bring their product to your front door.

Meth dealer Kristal Steve, also known as the Tweakster, said he knew consumers would go anywhere to get his product, much like a bottle of hand sanitizer on Craigslist. But Steve said he didn’t want to be part of a rampant, international crisis that the government is struggling to get a handle on.

“By George, I’m simply a businessman, not a monster,” Steve said. “I certainly wouldn’t stoop so low as to endanger those at risk so my clients may ride the crystal dragon while they’re self-quarantining.”

Steve, along with a number of other local meth dealers, created Uber Tweaks to help people order their product and have it delivered. While the service bears the Uber name, it is not part of the Uber business structure.

In order to protect their delivery people from prosecution for drug trafficking, Uber Tweaks has users order food from an Uber Eats restaurant, and then an Uber Tweaks certified mule sneaks the meth order into the delivery so the driver has no idea they are transporting elicit, Schedule II narcotics.

Now I only have to worry about how all my teeth are loose and the fact that I’ve been up for 86 hours straight.” -Blorno Adams, Uber Tweaks user

“I might be delivering what?” Uber Eats driver Becky Chen said.

Local tweakers have taken to the new service, and Steve said it has brought in nearly $1 million in profit in just over two weeks.

Blorno Adams, a user of the service, said it has really helped to quell his fears during the global crisis.

“I was really worried about the coronavirus, on account of all the meth I smoke,” Adams said. “With Uber Tweaks, now I only have to worry about how all my teeth are loose and the fact that I’ve been up for 86 hours straight. Do you hear a bird? I’m going to go take a lap, and then I’ll punch a tree.”

Local law enforcement is unsure how to reign in the popularity of home-delivered meth, but they are working quickly. With social distancing keeping many citizens home most of the day, calls to the City police and Larimer County Sheriff’s Office about tweaked-out neighbors have increased 250% in the last 14 days.

Fort Collins Police Services Drug Task Force Detective Zoey Smart is heading the response.

I might be delivering what?” –Becky Chen, Uber Eats Driver

“I mean, I guess, technically, it might be better,” Smart said. “It doesn’t change the fact that you’re doing meth though.”

Smart said there is also increased stress over COVID-19 among police officers, as they have to touch far more people to arrest them for using meth when they run around their neighborhood naked or listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” for 16 hours on full volume in an apartment complex. 

Uber Tweaks is considering branching out into other chemical drugs, Steve said. He said perhaps moving into the heroin market would alleviate some of the community impacts they’re seeing now.

“The only drug I wouldn’t deal in are prescription opioid painkillers,” Steve said. “That’s Purdue Pharma’s territory, and I wouldn’t dare cross those crazy chaps.”

Ravyn Cullor can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @RCullor99.