Campus squirrels march on The Plaza

Serena Bettis

The Campus Squirrel Alliance rallied on The Plaza March 30 to celebrate the first full week of a student-free campus.

Unaware of the global pandemic because squirrels boycott the media, the CSA released a statement declaring their long-awaited victory over the students. 

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“For too long we’ve been forced to live in trees and have been shooed away from our ancestors’ meeting space, the Stump,” Squirrel Mayor Gregg Flufftale said. “At last, our campaign to push back against the students has succeeded, and we can roam free once again.” 

Flufftale has led the movement to rid the Colorado State University campus of students for five years and based his 2018 mayoral election on this promise. 

Press Secretary Cynthia Squire, who has lived on campus for nearly 12 years, said each time a squirrel nearly trips a student, attempts to steal a cookie or corners new students in Sherwood Forest, they are asserting their dominance and instilling fear in adults, young and old. 

CSA waited until March 30 to hold their first celebration, as they wanted to verify the true absence of students and ensure it was not some fluke called “spring break.” 

Multiple times in the fall of 2016 and spring of 2017, Flufftale’s predecessor, Nicolas Nutt, held festivals during the students’ fall and spring breaks, falsely believing the students were gone for good.

“The festivals Nutt hosted were absolute ragers,” Squire said. “I’m talking more controversial than the students’ ‘Undie Run’ or the presidential (squirrel) elections. We had our youngest squirrels starting grass fires and our oldest squirrels scaling the building walls. We lost a lot of good squirrel folk during those terrible weeks.” 

When students returned after spring break in 2017, many squirrel advocacy organizations, including CSA and Squirrels Against Students, petitioned for a special election to remove Nutt from his position as mayor. 

Nutt, who was exiled to the University of Colorado Boulder, declined to comment on the events. 

CSA President Siobhan Hay said they put strict guidelines in place for the March 30 celebration but could not be held accountable for any crude acts committed by squirrels.

“We are asking that all squirrel folk refrain from acorn throwing, whether in celebration or anger, avoid scaling buildings and trees under 20 feet tall and not to graffiti tree bark,” Hay said. 

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Squire said reports of these incidents were minimal, but there were some accounts of a group of young squirrels attempting to break into the Lory Student Center’s automatic doors. 

“The students are always bringing out crispy, greasy potato sticks from that place,” squirrel youth Scotty Squeak said. “We figured that if we managed to get them off our lawns, we could take over their food storages too.” 

Squeak said he and his buddies were unsuccessful with their first attempt but would be trying again each day. 

“We’ve been fighting against the students for as long as I’ve been alive,” Squeak said. “And that fight proved to be worthwhile, so I’m not giving up on this fight either.”

Serena Bettis can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @serenaroseb.