Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Following an executive order issued last week by President Donald Trump’s administration to turn off gravity, CAM the Ram was launched into space, saving every soul in Fort Collins from certain death after diverting the 2024 YR4 asteroid.
“We were on the initial test launch phases of the project when the executive order was initiated,” said Scott Bleet, Ovis Aries Aerodynamics lead engineer.
The asteroid, originally projected to have a 3.1% possibility of hitting Earth in 2032, was coined a “city-killer” by NASA. Weighed down by 8 megatons of stored energy, it held enough power to wipe out the entire population of Northern Colorado, the direct target of the asteroid’s oncoming path.
“It was determined to possibly collide with either the (Andrew G.) Clark Building, whose construction has been extended to a 2040 deadline, or Canvas Stadium,” university spokesperson Wooly Smith said. “After the $40 million spent on asbestos removal and cleaning out ghosts from the building, an asteroid collision would have been the final straw in tanking the budget.”
Interdisciplinary collaborators from across campus determined CAM’s size to be the correct weight and dimensions needed to correct the asteroid’s direction. The keratin in his horns were also needed to brace himself from the hard rocky surface.
“His wool coat also adds an extra layer of barrier to better keep the heat off him during reentry into the atmosphere,” Bleet said.
Launchpad construction began on the Intramural Fields in late February, with the engineering students completing the rocket in early March. CAM willfully leapt into the rocket’s cockpit, showered with lettuce treats and hugs. Liftoff only took three minutes, shattering the previously held world record.
“The entire mission was a success, only taking 15 minutes total,” Bleet said. “Our team entirely underestimated CAM’s aerodynamic abilities. After diverting the asteroid, he lapped the moon three times in free fall, planted a Colorado State University flag and touched down successfully in Horsetooth Reservoir.”
Students eagerly awaited his arrival home, welcoming him with a parade through Old Town. Local residents and school children waited in a five-daylong line for a photo with the esteemed ram’s body double.
“He looks just like the real thing,” first-year Nicholas Dorper said while dripping in sweat after waiting three days in the sweltering spring heat. “It’s too bad the real one lost his horns when they lodged into the asteroid.”
Because of the asteroid’s successful diversion, CAM was awarded the Purple Heart, presented to him by CSU President Amy Parsons.
“CAM’s selfless sacrifice for this institution will never be forgotten,” Parsons said in her ceremonial address. “His dedication will be memorialized in the formal renaming of Clark to the CAM Launched Asteroid Remarkably Killed Building, which is on track for completion in 2050.”
