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Songs to listen to during finals week to make death seem a little slower and less painful

It is that time of year. There is absolutely no parking in the library parking lot, suddenly the 300-person lecture hall that usually has 23 people sitting in it is magically once again at capacity and everyone is on hunt to find a puppy on campus to cry into its fur. The smell of caffeine-heavy coffee and mental breakdowns is in the air, clogging our pores and GPAs. It is go-time here at Colorado State University, and it is time to turn those low Cs into steady Bs. Let the odds and the ability to BS be ever in your favor.

Here is a list of songs to listen to when the grind gets too hard this final’s week. Breaks are good for concentration and mental health, especially when they include some booty shaking.

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“Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)” by MIKA
It is physically impossible to jam out this song and be in a bad mood. It is science. Not only is it a fun-loving, body-positive anthem, it also is a giant F-you to diet soda. Which, in its own respects, is good because diet soda is nasty and does not contain enough caffeine to keep you up all night before your engineering exam, while you simultaneously study and have an existential crisis about whether or not you should drop out and become a stripper who is extremely good at math.

“Goofy Goober Rock” by Spongebob Squarepants
If you did not have the pleasure of watching the “Spongebob Squarepants Movie” when you were younger, I feel so bad for you. This song will bring you back to a simpler time when you thought spelling tests were going to be the end of your world and when growing a mustache was the absolute goal of life. This song celebrates childhood and ignorance, and is therefore bliss. If you watch the video for this song, you can laugh at Patrick in fishnets in between your fits of crying about that geology final you have to take after a semester of only learning that basalt is extrusive.

“I Will Survive” by Diana Ross
If you are going to listen to this song in the hopes of empowering yourself for finals, you best sing this ditty into your hairbrush in front of a mirror to get the full effect. Sing this song to your textbooks for bringing you down, or to that one professor’s Canvas page for being annoyingly disorganized. Confront your obstacles and sing to them about how you are going to kick them in the face with your knowledge and survival skills. No matter what you sing to and how long your hair is, flip it as many times as possible while you sing. I guarantee you will survive.

“Nature Anthem” by Grandaddy
This is for the students who have made the conscious decision to let Jesus take the wheel on finals, instead of wallowing in piles of notes and textbooks in a last minute attempt to study for finals. They have decided to just go outside and do outside things. These students have whipped out their hammocks, their hiking boots and their Clif Bars. There is no going back for them.

“Untitled” by Simple Plan
Sometimes when you are sad you just need a sad song to reflect your inner sorrow. When your regrets of not studying sooner and making better grades toward the start of the semester have finally piled up on your shoulders and you are feeling a little bit emo, turn on this song and eat a whole large pizza by yourself. You deserve it, and you are probably going to be okay.

“Because I Got High” by Afroman
We all have our ways of dealing with stress, and as we live in the colorful, sunny state of Colorado, these ways of dealing with stress can be quite specific. This song can act as the perfect intermission for your studies, but try not to let it get you to forget what you are doing and somehow teleport yourself to Cheba Hut.

“Complicated” By Avril Lavigne
I suggest jamming out to this song in the midst of doing math.

Collegian reporter Miranda Moses can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @mirandasrad.

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