After receiving their midterm project back from their LIFE 102 professor, several freshman were dismayed to discover that they had accidentally created a grotesque, Cronenbergian biological nightmare.
“Yeah, we figured that something had gone screwy with our pig-dissection when the final product wouldn’t stop screeching,” said freshman and self-proclaimed group leader Matthew Verges. “But we were really surprised to learn that what we had created was an affront to God.”
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After procrastinating on the project for several weeks, the group remembered their pig dissection lab a mere 24 hours before it was due. In desperation, the three group members popped some “focus snacks,” downed some energy shots, shouted at the moon and went to work on their project.
“What happened next we cannot be sure of,” Verges-proclaimed “work grunt” Carrie Matheson said. “We woke up the next morning still shaking from all the focus, and found a trail of oozing green slime leading from our lab table to the ‘DISSECTED PIG’ bin in the corner of the lab.”
“I will admit that we heard some unholy squealing come from the bin,” Matheson-proclaimed “dreamboat” Jacob Moorehead said. “But we figured unholy squealing just meant that we were good scientists.”
The project was returned to students in a dog kennel with a handwritten note from their professor — the self-proclaimed Jeff Goldblum of Northern Colorado — that read “Handle with Care. Likes to bite. Hates crucifixes.”
Despite apparently pushing the very boundaries of science, nature and the complicated interplay between them, sources say the students only earned a C+.
“We really phoned in the annotated bibliography,” Matheson said.
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook so we can finally show all of our high school acquaintances that we’ve achieved something.
