The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
How to Increase eCommerce Sales with SEO
February 28, 2024

With the development of the online shopping market, SEO has become a crucial factor in driving targeted traffic and increasing sales. Effective...

Tony Frank still can’t explain all of the bikes in his house

In a recent press conference, CSU President Tony Frank announced to the public that he still can’t explain all of the bikes that somehow wound up in his house.

Frank’s wife, Fran Frank, estimates that the bikes are reaching approximately “a dozen baker’s dozens,” which our mathematicians inform us is “a whole bunch.”

Ad

The bikes first appeared mysteriously last November.

“If they had appeared in September, that would have been one thing,” Frank said. “But after Halloween and before Valentine’s Day? That rules out that scamp Billy Bikington.”

Sources confirm that Billy Bikington, known locally as the “Santa Claus of Cycling,” dies every Nov. 3, for “one or two months,” thereby eliminating him as a suspect.

Still, Tony Frank does have his doubters.

“He clearly stole the bikes himself,” said Fran Frank. “This whole thing is just a desperate cry for attention, like that time he asked for a divorce.”

Frank, who has just recently been rehabilitated from his long-term building-destroying addiction, added in his press conference that bike relocation is something that normal people’s wives don’t complain to their mothers about.

Tony Frank concluded the press conference by saying, “Ever since the passage of the Morrill Land-Grant Acts, it has been the privilege of every state, to have a vestibule for higher education for its constituents. We must not shirk this privilege, nor ignore each other’s clearly explicit requests for beard grooming equipment. When something is written on the grocery list, it is clearly meant to be purchased regardless of how many beard grooming gifts one got for Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, or Groundhog Day.”

The bikes remain unclaimed and will be sold on Ebay in a futile attempt to decrease tuition costs.

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hackmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

Ad

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Hey, thanks for visiting Collegian.com!
We’d like to ask you to please disable your ad blocker when looking at our site — advertising revenue directly supports our student journalists and allows us to bring you more content like this.

Comments (0)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *