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Sassy with Cassie: the need for multiple husbands is strong

I sat on a really cold, cement bench one sunny day last week. My roommate found me, took a seat beside me, whined about how cold the seat was and started to tell me about her class. They had discussed ethical relationships and the idea of having multiple partners.

I sat on that cold bench and I gazed at the sexy guys passing by. How could I ever choose just one? Like many before me, (i.e. Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen) I would not choose just one. But, unlike the others, I would choose exactly five.

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I am obviously an alpha female. As I stated last week, I am queen. Therefore, I need a minimum of five husbands.

I entered college with this goal, knowing the challenge ahead of me. Many want their one, true love. I want my five true loves.

I envision a book entitled “The Cass: Five True Love Stories,” likely to be written by Nicholas Sparks.

I will accomplish my goal, and reap the benefits.

My brother-husbands would also be my gateway to fame.

Wedding-themed reality shows. “Say Yes to the Tux.” The men work to find the perfect tuxedo. Although they may be hooked on a particular designer or color, they will be met with a tearful reflection when they slide on the tux that was always meant to be.

Oh, you’re a tie man? Nay. I think not. Put on this bow tie and see perfection strike you to your very core.

Ideally the show would be something along the lines of “Bad Girls Club,” except we’ll call it “Bad Husbands Club.”

Scene:

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BH 1: Ay yo, did you eat my organic spinach?

BH 3: Nah, man.

BH 1 (clapping in his face and moving his head side to side): I know you. I. KNOW. YOU.

Persistent slapping follows.

But, then again, I might want something classier, like “The Bachelorette” mixed with “America’s Next Top Model.”

Same as “The Bachelorette,” except I do not pick past five, and when I feel indecisive (which is always) we will have a photo shoot throw down.

Also, I am Tyra, smeyesing like a beast.

Since I believe in loving your body, no fella will be dismissed for lack of muscle, height or anything else. Everyone can smeyes. And I believe that with all my heart.

Maybe I will do both shows. Choose my men, and then put them in the club.

On a completely unrelated note, if I hear “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars on the radio one more time, I am going to rip my eyelashes out.

My sister said that would make my look weird. But I will not subscribe to society’s bombshell eyelash standards.

Collegian A&E Columnist Cassie Maack can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @maackcl.

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