Dave’s Marketplace: Get to a sexier state

Davis English

Note: This article is satirical.

GQ Magazine’s “Man of the Year” award is one of the most coveted and respected honors that can befall any single man. More impressive than a Kids’ Choice Award and more sought after than first place in the Pinewood Derby race in Galveston, Texas, the “Man of the Year” award is only given to the most deserving of recipients.

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This year’s suave and macho winner is none other than Jake from State Farm. He beat the other semifinalist, the dark lord Cthulu, by a whopping margin of 70 percent.

As if Jake from State Farm didn’t already have such a decorated acting and modeling career, this new accolade puts him into the elite “Yearly Past Men of the Year Past Club.” The club of these former “Man of the Year” award recipients includes such recognizable superstars as Captain Crunch, Andrew Luck’s neckbeard, all five of Madonna’s backup dancers and Neil Armstrong.

Senior rope and pully major and undercover undergarment detective, Michael Bombardino, remembers the first time he ever saw Jake from State Farm.

“Oh boy, where do I start?” Bombardino asked. “Well, I remember him wearing khakis and being so relatable. As if looks weren’t enough, he really convinced me that like a good neighbor, he was there. I’m smitten.”

With the onslaught of attention being directed at Jake from State Farm, corporations are starting to take notice. The retail outlet, Target, just announced their intention to start a “Jake from State Farm” children’s clothing line. Although the line hasn’t been completely designed yet, sources tell us the boys’ clothing will include a red shirt and khakis and the cuter girls’ outfits will include a red shirt and khakis.

Jake from State Farm, will you ever cease to amaze us?

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.