RamTalk: Hell On Heels

Davis English

This fictional column is based on the RamTalk: Heelys don’t have brakes cause swag never stops. – Originally in 10/10/2014 Collegian.

They say that fashion trends are recycled every 30 years. Keeping that in mind, it only makes sense that one of the most fashionable trends of the last century is on it’s way back. Move over, fedora and mood ring, there’s a new sheriff in town.

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That’s right, baby, Heelys are back. Here at Colorado State, a cult following of Heely enthusiasts has formed. The self proclaimed “Swag Lordz” can be seen scooting around campus on their heel wheels. Sporting white visors, white zipoff pants, white Monster Energy shirts and black Heelys, the Swag Lordz really live up to their club motto: “Live Fashion, Die Young.”

With their flashy fashion and downright intimidating gang demeanor, the Lordz have been turning the heads of local authorities. CSU tricycle cop Kristyn Towsly has had a tough time enforcing dismount zone laws on the footwear fashionistas.

“I just can’t tell if they’re mounted or dismounted,” Towsly said. “It’s like they’re on wheels, but only on their heels. I see shoes, but they move like they’re on hoverboards. I’m just not sure what to do. I may have to resign from the force.”

Heely inventor and World Grammar Champion, Dr. Nic Bozeman, feels that the resurrection of Heelys is long overdue.

“To put it frankly,” Bozeman said, “I’m not sure Heelys should have ever fallen out of the public eye. They’re the perfect cross between a shoe and something that will make you slip and fall nine to 12 times a day. They’re perfect.”

With the number of Swag Lordz increasing daily, online Heely sales have shot through the roof. Their only rivals are the Birkenstock Baron gang downtown and the Velcro Vixens to the South.

Let’s just hope that a simple fashion statement doesn’t take a turn for the worse. If you now find yourself wanting your very own pair of Heelys, you should step back and evaluate all of your life decisions. All of them.

Collegian RamTalk Columnist Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.