Note: This column is satirical

At a press conference regarding the new football stadium, Tony Frank floored reporters when he dropped the bombshell that the new stadium will not be built atop any physical location, but rather “inside all of our hearts.”

Frank went on to address the on-campus stadium’s naysayers, including the Save Our Stadium movement, a confused old man named Hugh and many local horses.

“Those who oppose the new stadium have given up,” Frank said. “They’ve shut themselves off to the glorious, metaphorical value of a new stadium. What it will mean for us, and what it will do for this campus?”

Frank then elaborated on the new location of the on-campus stadium.

“This new stadium will be found in the heart of every English major who longs for gainful employment and creative fulfillment,” Frank said. “Every math major who longs for the love of something other than a calculator. Every RA who dreams of one day forming a successful mentor-mentee bond with one of their residents.”

Frank continued, “The new stadium isn’t just an astronomically expensive attempt to boost the legitimacy of a college football team in a town that is nonetheless more interested in music, farming and craft brewery — it’s an idea, it’s a feeling, it’s that place we all dream of when we shut our eyes on a warm summer afternoon.”

Frank ended his address on a somber note.

“This isn’t just a football stadium — it’s a people stadium,” Frank added, wiping a single tear from just below his eye.

Despite the stadium’s intangible location inside the hopes, dreams and ambitions of every CSU student, the project is still estimated to cost around $246 million.

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Find The Hall Monitor-Herald online at thehallmonitorherald.com. Like us on Facebook and we promise to only post the most relevant cat videos available on the internet.