Note: This article is satirical

In spite of their oft-cited claims that “love is a construct” and “I’ll probably just die alone,” Colorado State University anthropology Professors Jack Delby and Kristina Marsten have recently unearthed what they are calling “The True Meaning of Love.” The duo first discovered The True Meaning of Love while aimlessly digging holes throughout CSU’s campus, which of course all professors do as a means to stave off boredom during the long summer months.

The two first met several years ago when Jack – a wisecracking, anything-goes, devil-may-care anthropology professor – was first hired by Kristina – the no-nonsense, straight-laced, workaholic head of CSU’s anthropology department.

“The two really didn’t seem to like each other at first,” said Lauren Wilson, Kristina’s quick-witted, perpetually-single-but-nonetheless-incredibly-invested-in-the-affairs-of-others roommate. “Kristina always used to come home complaining about how Jack was behind on his newly-discovered-societies-quota, or how he wasn’t taking her department mandated treasure hunts seriously. I never would have guessed in a million years that together they would discover The True Meaning of Love.”

Although both Jack and Kristina have claimed on multiple occasions that they “would never be caught dead digging in the same hole,” they found themselves stuck together, digging in the same hole for days and days on end, both too belligerent and prideful to go start a new one.

“I was digging here first,” Jack reportedly said after taking a well-deserved rest to marvel upon what a great hole he had going, only to realize that Kristina was right there next to him, digging away with a shovel. “Why don’t you go dig with the English professors? They need all the help they can get – I hear they’re digging for a new home.”

And so as the days passed and the two continued digging, Jack and Kristina begrudgingly began to speak to one another – first by way of loaded verbal exchanges, and then, gradually, by way of honest human connection that helped them reach a better understanding of each other as people. Jack, for instance, had no idea that Kristina regularly volunteered at the homeless shelter, and Kristina had no idea that Jack hated Cracker Jacks because, “I hate things that have the same name as me.”

It was then, at that moment of genuine connection between two damaged, lonely souls who were nonetheless deserving of finding happiness and contentment in the arms of another, that Jack and Kristina discovered it: Plato’s long-lost text, “The True Meaning of Love.”

The pair then spent several hours angrily fighting over who the discovery should be attributed to, eventually storming off in a huff and leaving the text at the bottom of the hole.

Joe “Big Nasty” Golliher, Jack’s afraid-of-commitment-but-nonetheless-incredibly-devoted-to-giving-romantic-advice best friend, has reported that Jack and Kristina are still not on speaking terms, and that both are happily whittling away the years until they can finally die alone.

As of press time, “The True Meaning of Love” has been recovered by curators from the world-renowned CSU Museum of Dug-Up Stuff, which, as everyone knows, is located in the basement of Ingersoll Hall and is the primary draw for incoming freshmen.

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker and can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com. Find The Hall Monitor-Herald online at thehallmonitorherald.com and on twitter @MonitorHerald. Please, we really think we lost them this time, and we’re scared to go to the cops.