Linear Equations

Based on the Ram Talk:

“When you end up with three 5s in one box of Sudoku … Its going to be a long week.”


Something is wrong with the math students. Countless mathematics majors have been seen crying in the library and on their way to class. One of them was spotted trying to stick his expensive calculator into a paper shredder. The registrar’s office even noted that a very high number of math students have pleaded to switch to another major.

As it turns out, the CSU math department has made major changes to its curriculum this week. Students are no longer taking tests and quizzes on calculus and algebra. Gone are the days of making graphs and tables. Teachers have begun assigning Sudoku puzzles, and only Sudoku puzzles.

One class in particular, MATH413 — Advanced Sudoku — went from being an auditorium full of bright and eager students to just a couple rows of exhausted and frustrated survivors.  One of those brave souls, Jakeb Schelling, had to quit his job as a rustic cook so that he had enough time to do his Sudoku homework.

“It’s unbelievable,” Schelling said. “They’re supposed to at least give us a few numbers in the squares right? Well usually there’s only one number, and a few times they gave us Sudokus with question and exclamation marks in the boxes!”

The professor of the class, Dr. Swine Oungy, doesn’t understand why his students are having such difficulties with the puzzles.

“This class used to be linear equations before we implemented the Sudoku method,” Oungy said. “Students were doing really well in the old class but for some reason they just can’t seem to unravel the mystery of the Sudoku. I’ve tried to tell them that it’s all in the way that you look at it, but students don’t seem to understand.”

Apparently the English department is now considering a similar approach with their students, and experts believe it will come in the form of crossword puzzles. The Registrar’s office is already preparing for the rush of English majors looking for a new study, and their estimates indicate that many of them will turn to fermentation sciences.

Collegian Entertainment Writer Steven Jacobs can be reached at