Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The challenge of figuring out what to name your child in our current political environment is a tough feat. But no matter the challenge, there is always going to be an opportunity for you to name your child after the over 90 executive orders that President Donald Trump has signed so far this year. Here are some of the top picks that should really tickle your fancy.

1. WokeSlayer

The name WokeSlayer is for those of you who have absolutely been on board with every single decision that Trump has made when it comes to ending and challenging the radicalism that keeps this country moving forward. I suggest naming your child after the executive order that challenges and ends DEI.

This name is for those who feel as though they have been wronged by DEI, or rather, find it to be a wasteful idea, like the alternate names suggest. It is also for those who would pick a name that is within their top 50 choices, making it clear that their child was just barely able to make the mark of the top 50 of name options.

It also gives you the opportunity to fondly remember the moment all of your favorite companies rolled back their DEI initiatives, so you no longer need to see a pride display every month when you walk into Target. Pride is every month, right?

Alternate names: DEInial, No. 51, EO 14151, Blanco

2. Epidemmy

Ah yes, the executive order that pulled the United States out of the World Health Organization: EO 14155. Epidemmy is specifically a name for those who have found that there are no benefits to being a part of the WHO, even though it has helped with ensuring universal health care and leading research that promotes longer human lifespans. But still, if the belief is that they do nothing, this is definitely for you.

This also gives you the chance to remember when you were able to go to the hospital without having to pay what feels like a billion dollars and Medicaid existed. It also helps you to remember, fondly, the days of COVID-19 and how it completely changed everyone’s world, except yours. And your child can be a perfect example of how practicing the withdraw method isn’t always effective.

Alternate names: Pathogen, Flatline, EO 14155, No. 55

3. Banjamin

OK, so this one may be a blessing in disguise for most Americans. However, looking into the eyes of your new baby Banjamin might help you to remember when TikTok disappeared for 24 hours before miraculously being revived, allowing the world to go back to its degenerative society.

This is a good one because it cements a memory that looks back on the application that has resulted in our decreased social lives. It provides you with the opportunity to remember when you almost lost the beloved app that you couldn’t live without. It always gives anyone the opportunity to remember the one good thing Trump did during his presidency.

Alternate names: Echochamber, EO 14166, Firewalled

4. Meritica

If you didn’t like the name that was based on DEI’s removal, then may I suggest looking at the executive order that was passed to end discrimination and allow people to be hired and considered on merit? Meritica is the name for those who want their children’s future employers to be aware that they got there on their own merit — because that was never considered before.

This means that you are really against decisions being made around race and thought that you were passed up for a job because you weren’t a person of color or a woman. It gives you the chance to remember that, yes, you did get passed by but shall never again.

Alternative names: Justice, EO 14173, Neutralia

5. Fairleigh

Are you really that fearful over protecting cis women’s rights that you would get rid of the rights for a group of people who make up less than 1% of the population? Then Fairleigh is the name for you.

Your goal with this name might be to pick something that will get the attention of others, and maybe you will give it to your male child. This is likely because you want to play the role of a feminist despite knowing the truth behind the name.

Alternate names: TERFy, EO 14201, Cisely

With over 90 executive orders to pick from, these top five should surely fit your baby name goals if they align with your political beliefs. Or hey, you could even rename yourself.

Reach Detectivo Liberal at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @caffeinateddee6.