Chad Clark sat down on the uncomfortable steel bleachers at Canvas Stadium and instantly spilled his overpriced beer.
Football fans across the nation have the ever-lasting problem of buying an expensive cup of beer, taking it back to their seats and then instantly spilling it the second they sit down. A recent report of this devastating event featuring Clark surfaced a week ago. Innocent bystanders reported exactly what happened.
“This guy in a pink polo and khaki shorts spilled his beer and started freaking out,” said Connie Sandoval, a witness of the incident. “He started using very explicit language because he was so mad.”
Sandoval said Clark proceeded to start blaming the people around him for spilling the beer on himself.
“This is all of your faults,” Clark said. “If you guys would not be so loud I could have concentrated on sitting down with my beer.”
Sources state this incident occurred at the Colorado State vs. Wyoming game October 26, 2018.
“It happened near the beginning of the game,” said Erik Oliver, a nearby Rams fan. “I was just sitting there when all of a sudden I heard a bunch of commotion.”
Oliver said Clark attempted to fight some of the bystanders who were laughing at the incident.
Yeehaw Junction managed to get a hold of Clark to get his side of the story. He is still very upset about the incident.
“Yeah these dudes were laughing at me, so I asked them if they wanted to throw down,” Clark said. “I was ready to throw with them, but after I said my dad would sue them, they ran away.”
Clark put some of the blame on concessions for not having lids on the cups.
“I just do not understand why they do not put lids on the beer cups,” Clark said. “What is this CU Boulder? We should actually have rules here.”
Clark has been talking to ASCSU to establish a bill that requires all alcoholic beverages to be served with lids.
“I just do not want other people to go through the traumatic experience I did,” Clark said. “I was wearing my brand new Sperrys and now I can’t even wear them without thinking about that awful day.”
Clark is hopeful by next football season ASCSU will pass this bill.
“Hopefully next season I will be able to buy a beer with a lid on it,” Clark said. “Then I will be able to just watch the game and not have to worry about spilling my beer.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Yeehaw Junction reporter Tyler McWired can be reached at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @TMeguire.
