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The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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    Tour de Stumbling Drunks to visit Old Town

    Tour de Stumbling Drunks is set to take over Old Town next week in a display of Fort Collins’ passions for costumes and alcohol poisoning. 

    Sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon and Burnett’s Pineapple Vodka, this music festival and costume parade will see revelers dressed up as every kind of blackout public drunkard. Tour de Stumbling Drunks in years previous have seen Fireball chugging frat bros vandalizing storefronts, club-goers wielding glowsticks and that one arguing couple trying to pretend they’re sober but falling over every other step. 

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    Tour de Stumbling Drunks
    April 7
    Old Town

    Anticipated new additions to this year’s parade include Leprechauns, who inexplicably think it’s still St. Patrick’s Day, and some really good Ministry of Silly Walks cosplayers. 

    The parade of questionably aged drunks will snake through Old Town to City Park where local bands will stumble through their sets on the performance stage. In the Bar Crawl competition, contestants are given a pair of beer-soaked sandals and the first to cross the stage with both shoes and no missing teeth wins.  

    A spokesman for Burnett’s Vodka, Paul Stephens, explained that Tour de Stumbling Drunks is dedicated to fostering Fort Collins’ culture of public intoxication. 

    “Who doesn’t love getting plastered on game days in Campus West? Who remembers the three-day riot of ’87? Burnett’s remembers,” Stephens said. 

    At tasting stations along the parade route, help yourself to mason jar cocktails of randomly assorted liquors and the bottle of Justin’s Dad’s Absynthe no one was supposed to touch. Ambulances and rapid response medics are on call throughout the day.

    “We want to tell the wasted community of CSU that they are a vital part of our city’s history and heritage, no matter how many times they puke on the couch,” Stephens said.

    All of the day’s events are free and open to the public, but Uber fares are expected to quadruple. 

    Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the opinion section of the Collegian. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

    Collegian reporter Matt Smith can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on Twitter @latvatalo.

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