Seriously: How to deal with crippling despair

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

So, you think you’re overcome by crippling despair. You think it may be because you forgot to put your wet clothes in the dryer, like you always do, because you’re an idiot.

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You’ve also considered the rate a which polar ice sheets are melting.

And that your president is a cheeto-dusted ass-hat.

But you, being you, have failed to come up with a solution for your misery.

We anticipated your lack of proactivity here at Seriously, so we went ahead a made some solutions for you.

1. Treat yourself to some ice cream. Good, now your skin looks as grim as your future. Don’t bother putting some away for later, it’ll probably get freezer burnt.

2. Talk to a friend. Because you have so many, and they love listening to you complain.

3. Read a book. Struggle through a few chapters before remembering that the world has shortened your attention span down to nothing and you now can find no joy in what you once loved, you millennial trash.

4. Get involved in local politics. If your city is remotely cool, it will be defunded soon, so give it a shot, you have nothing to lose.

5. Take a bath. Don’t have a bathtub? Just roll around naked in some dirty snow, it’ll feel the same. You’re dead inside.

Of course, you could also not take this advice. Maybe sit in the sun and hug people you like. That could help.

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Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at blogs@collegian.com or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.

Disclaimer: Seriously is a satire blog, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All articles from Seriously are creations of fiction, and presumably fake publications. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Photos used do not have any connection to the story and are used within the rights of free reuse, as well as cited to the best of our ability. Seriously is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.