Seriously: Endangered Species Act added to Endangered Species List

Sean Kennedy

For the first time in history, the Endangered Species Act has been added to Endangered Species List, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Monday.

The agency placed the federal wildlife protections on the list because of a dramatic increase in population of the Act’s main predator, an invasive subspecies of politicians called “Republicans” that are hostile towards other animals and clean air. According to the agency, Republicans have been outcompeting other species of politicians for resources in recent months, with the number of politicians who dislike wildlife and having clean air to breathe having increased by 50% since November.

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Named because of the vital protections it gives to literally all nonhuman life, the Endangered Species Act was once common and abundant across all 50 states. Today, the Act is only found in small, half-hearted proceedings in Washington, D.C.

“Our top priority is to act quickly to prevent destruction of the Endangered Species Act by Republicans,” wildlife service Eastwest regional director Nate Chur said in a statement. “Listing the Act as endangered will help us mobilize resources to remind people that life will literally f*cking collapse without other species of animals so, just maybe, we should protect them.”

People can help boost the Endangered Species Act population by growing a brain or reading literally anything about natural science and going outside for once in their f*cking lives, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service said. Removing politicians from your ecological agencies can also help, since the Endangered Species Act needs a safe place to conduct its business. Additionally, the agency advises the public to avoid feeding any Republicans they encounter with funding or votes, since they have been known to behave aggressively when confronted with science, reason or pleas for human decency.

Collegian Satire Blogger Sean Kennedy can be reached online at blogs@collegian.com. Leave a comment!

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