Seriously: Top ten things you should know about Monday’s presidential debate

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

Screen Shot 2016-09-26 at 9.37.26 AM.pngIf you missed the debate, you missed a lot. Here at Seriously, we have boiled down the complex event because, apparently, you need to be hand-fed everything in a listicle, you trash person.

1) In a clear attempt to pander to women voters, Hillary Clinton pulled down her pantsuit to reveal that she does, in fact, have a vagina.

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2) Donald Trump revealed that the secret to a successful business is not paying any taxes™ .

3) Gary Johnson could be found scalping tickets in a muscle shirt outside the venue.

4) Hillary Clinton shimmied, which we can only assume was to the beat of Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off”. Swift and Clinton have formed an alliance, as both women are infamous lying snakes.

5) In a surprising show of restraint, Donald Trump did not bring up Monica Lewinsky and instead chose to refer to the 20-year-old scandal in interviews immediately following the debate. He also cleverly hid the words “your husband is a slut” in a cough.

6) Clinton revealed her team’s latest product, Warm, Kind, and Almost Likable Clinton™ , delighting and confusing audiences across the globe.

7) Embarrassingly enough, Jill Stein showed up ready to debate, apparently unaware of her own irrelevance. “I can’t believe I cleansed my crystals for nothing,” said Stein.

8) During the debate, President Barack Obama smoked a joint and attended service at his favorite mosque, reportedly having zero fucks left.

9) Both seeking minority votes, the candidates made references to their illegitimate mixed children they are very proud of.

10) After being interrupted 436 times, Lester Holt, the debate’s moderator, shed one single tear for America.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at blogs@collegian.com or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.

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Disclaimer: Seriously is a satire blog, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All articles from Seriously are creations of fiction, and presumably fake publications. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Photos used do not have any connection to the story and are used within the rights of free reuse, as well as cited to the best of our ability.

Seriously is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.