Seriously: You can choose not to party, but you’re probably a loser

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

A college paint party, where no one seems to regret their decisions… yet   (Courtesy of Flickr)

New evidence suggests that although you can choose not to party, you’re probably a loser.

“This research came from studying two different kinds of people,” said Kumi Ando, the Ph.D. student behind this research. “Those who went out on a Friday night and those who did not.”


According to Ando’s research, those who were apparently “choosing not to party” were really just not given the opportunity. As a result, they spent much of their time wondering where in life they went wrong to not be included in said parties.

“The really fascinating part was that those who were at parties seemed to be absolutely unperturbed by their choices,” Ando said. “They all seemed pretty pleased with themselves, actually.”

The new research contradicts old data collected from your mom when you were 14. It appears that although your mom did say that you “didn’t have to do what all the other kids were doing” to have fun, she was wrong.

Ando is very excited about where his research has taken him and he looks forward to doing similar research in the future.

“Next, I want to take a look at whether students who spend hours in the library are being good students or just lack any sense of self,” Ando said.

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.

Disclaimer: Seriously is a satire blog, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All articles from Seriously are creations of fiction, and presumably fake publications. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Seriously is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.