Seriously: Trump interns scour internet for something worse to say

Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick

Note: This blog is satirical.

With dark circles under his eyes and several cans of empty red bulls under his desk — Robert Nickels is searching.

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He is searching for what many say he just cannot find.

Nickels, along with the team of fellow interns around him, is looking for something worse for presidential hopeful Donald Trump to say to his followers. Since the team learned that Trump’s offensive outbursts were usually followed by a boost in popularity, the team of lowly paid college students have been working tirelessly to find something more to say.

Today marks the third day of searching without sleep.

“It’s a difficult task ahead of us,” Nickels said, without taking his eyes off his screen or fingers off his keyboard. “We’ve been searching for days, but we just can’t seem to find any group outside of his key demographic that Trump has yet to outwardly offend.”

Interns’ latest tactic is to scour the bowels of Internet sites.

“We’re basically doing an internet colonoscopy, just looking into the a**holes of America,” Nickels said. “We’re hitting YouTube commenters, searching through 4chan, all the works. You know your racist uncle that makes you uncomfortable? We’re on his Facebook right now.”

Daunted with a seemingly impossible task, Laura Sharpley, the chief of interns for the Trump campaign, remains hopeful.

“I’ve been doing my best to work these youngsters like we run Mr. Trump’s tie factories in Malaysia,” Sharpley said. “The fact is, if you keep kids away from their homes long enough, they begin to give some really great results.”

Sharpley refused to comment on the rumors of child labor in Trump factories, but did give a warm smile followed by an unsettling cackle.

Miranda Little, another underpaid intern, rocked herself in fetal position in the corner of the office.

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“There’s nothing left, it’s useless,” Little said. “He offended the disabled. How could you get away with offending the disabled?”

A tear slipped down Little’s check.

She murmured, “I just want to go home.”

Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Talesnik can be reached online at blogs@collegian.com.